I’ve mentioned over the past week on my Instagram, I had a recent break down that led to a breakthrough. I’ve talked openly about previous break downs. The point where I can no longer be strong, I can no longer say everything is fine, and I crumble. They aren’t easy to bare, yet I know they are part of this process. You must break, crumble, fall in order to build yourself back up again. At one point in my life, I didn’t want to go on with the self-development work. I’d been in it for a few years. While my “overwhelmed days, weeks, year” had dwindled down to only a debilitating day at a time, at the time I felt I was getting nowhere. That was 2 years ago in 2020 when I was living in NOLA. I remember breaking down in my kitchen floor begging for things to be better, easier. I was so ready to give up at this point. As if I had a choice to go back to the way things were or stay stagnant in the space I was currently possessing. The one thing about “the work” people don’t exactly tell you when you start, is there will always be more work to be done. It’s similar to going to the gym. When I first started lifting my goal was to squat my body weight, shortly after that goal was reached a new goal was set. This is how you grow. This is how you improve. There will always be a higher goal once you start out on a journey.
While I could’ve given up in 2020, somehow suppressed my desire to improve my life, I didn’t. I talked to my therapist, and we agreed there will just be days like this. Last week, it was purely a moment. I caught myself in a short, brief moment completely off guard by emotion and I had a little breakdown on my couch.
Four years into this journey, 5 if you count the rock bottom year, I’m still having the moments where life feels like too much. The struggle bus came to town, and I was unwillingly pulled aboard. I could stay in the space of beating myself up. Telling myself I should be past these moments; life should be a breeze. I should’ve outgrown all this. I didn’t take that route. It took a friend messaging me later that day for me to realize, how far I’ve come over the past 2 years. In 2020 or 2018, these moments lasted much longer with multiple little weepy breakdowns throughout the day or days to come. While some could be blamed slightly on hormones, in general life was shakier in those days. Recovery time was longer.
Last week, I had the moment. Within the moment I asked myself ‘Where is this coming from? Why am I this upset?’ Right before the breakdown, I had sent a text to my sister literally nothing related to the breakdown or upsetting, and yet here I was balling on the couch. Why?
I started asking these questions out loud to myself, thankfully I live alone no one to think I’m crazy in these moments of self-pity and conversation. The answers came flooding in, I knew as they did it had to be written down. It was not the first time I had these thoughts or conversations with myself, and knew in the moment I had to get this information out onto paper. Thus, the next step was journaling. I am a writer; thus, a journal is rarely far away. The journaling is where I had my breakthrough…
I’m terrified of being seen.
What does this mean?
This means I’m hiding. I’m hiding the fact I want to be a writer. I’m hiding the fact that somehow in some way I want to support myself through my writing. Maybe this would involve coaching as well, I honestly do not know. But I want to work for myself by sharing my heart openly and honestly with the world. Yet, I’m absolutely terrified to take the action I know I need to take to get there.
Why?
Fear of Failure?
Fear of Success?
Fear of Judgement?
Yes, those all play a factor, and if you’re lucky I’ll ramble on about why. For me there is another fear at play, my fear of commitment. I’ve had a true fear of commitment throughout my life. It’s highly apparent throughout my dating life. Never really allowing people close enough to accept me for me. Always being slightly guarded and untrusting of the too good to be true relationships in my life. Losing some really great men because of lack of trust and commitment to them.
Over the past 5 years, my fear of commitment has shown up somewhere else in my life…my career. Presented by the various occupations I’ve had over the past 5 years. Moving to each one because I tell people “I don’t know what I want to do with my life.” Four years ago this was the truth. I was still caught up finishing off my past life career. So involved, I couldn’t even imagine what I wanted to do next. This is when I started trying various, different ventures. Waitressing, Network Marketing, Sportfishing…all not quite a fit. Something missing from them all. While I could do them all (maybe not successfully…I sucked at network marketing), I didn’t love them. Each one lead me feeling slightly unfulfilled in my life.
In 2019, I started getting an inkling, a nudge if you will, of where I needed to go. Since 2010, I had wanted to start a blog. Actually in 2010, I did I just never kept up with it. Talk about an opportunity missed. If only I had blogged throughout my 20’s about all of life, I probably would be supporting myself with it at this point. Anyways…2019 is when I decided I really wanted to start my blog. Everyone suggested I do a podcast because it was the hot new thing. ‘Everyone should have a podcast.’ Is what I kept hearing. For a while I didn’t know why I had no interest in a podcast. Granted I thought it would be a much bigger learning curve, but making my own website and posting on there has also been a learning curve I’m improving on with each post.
Recently, my current boss asked me this question. He’s a chef. I came up with the perfect analogy to explain to others why not a podcast. Would you tell a Michelin star chef it’s time to open a bakery? If you know anything about cooking or baking and how most amazing cooks are shit bakers and how most bakers can hardly cook, you would NEVER suggest it. My medium is writing. Sure, I can spew words out of my mouth as the day is long. Writing is different. Writing to me is when and where I get in the flow of life. When I’m inspired, I can lose hours of my life to sitting in front of the computer writing. It’s one of the only places everything else in life melts away, and I can just exist fully in the present moment.
Writing is where I find my peace. Now I know, I cannot make writing responsible for my financial well-being. Elizabeth Gilbert made this very clear in her quote from Big Magic:
Yet as she also explains, as a true creative we all desire to live a life where our creative pursuits do fund our dream life. After all, this is where I find the most joy in life. Writing. Sharing. Connecting.
However, I’m terrified to pursue this path. Why? One I have zero clue how to do it. Two my last career path I chose, the biggest commitment of my life, the one thing in my life I’ve ever fully, blindly committed to without question. When the obstacles wherever increasing, I pushed harder telling myself this is what it takes. Fighting for your career is tough, but it’s what it takes in science, in academia. Why did I believe this? All my colleagues believed this, my mother had paved the path for me in her own career pursuits as a PhD in Epidemiology. I was doing what I knew and not asking any questions about it. Until I had the realization that the only thing, I was certain about in my life was the one thing causing all my mental and physical suffering. Yes, I had been under chronic stress for so long studying Marine Science I was developing aliments the doctors could not explain with all the testing I went through. Thus, in the back of my head there is the realist in me saying, ‘How could you possibly do this? You don’t even know how to do this. You do not know how you will become a successful writer. You had the road map to become a successful Marine Biologist and girlfriend you saw where that lead you. Sad, alone, and depressed. See what happens when you commit to something…you fail. You lose who you really are. And let me remind you…you KNEW how to do that career. Yet you didn’t have the grit for it. You won’t have the grit to figure this new venture out. Stay safe. Stay small.’
Yeah, my inner dialog can be really mean I know. But hey who’s isn’t?!? Yet there it is, that is how my fear of commitment gets transcribed over to my career. I “failed” at the last one. I come from a family of academics, engineers, and scientists and I couldn’t carry on that lineage because my mental health got in the way. Because I couldn’t carry on the family lineage of sacrificing everything to do “what I’m supposed to.” Thus, I begin to question everything all over again…
How will I succeed?
Is this truly what I want to do?
What if I never make it?
What even is making it?
How do I even go down this path?
I don’t know the answers to all these questions. I sincerely don’t. Maybe writing, blogging, connecting, sharing will always just be a hobby that doesn’t even think about paying the bills. At least I choose a relatively cheap hobby, I can thank it for that.
But here is the thing for me, I knew deep in my heart for so many years I wanted to be a marine biologist. I literally sacrificed everything for it…a home, multiple relationships, comfort. I was so damn sure that’s what I wanted to do with my life, until I was so damn sure it was taking the life right out of me. I had to jump down that rabbit hole. The nagging I felt from wanting to accomplish that goal would never have been satisfied until I hit rock bottom, until I truly tried everything I could’ve to make it work. Marine Biology is not an easy profession to chase. Even the best ones are generally over worked and underpaid. They can continue to do it because they love it. It brings them a since of pleasure knowing they have made even the tiniest of difference in this world. The nagging I felt throughout my 20’s to continue to pursuit of becoming a marine biologist is the same nagging I have on my heart to continue writing. The only difference is writing has always been for me. Rather I share it or not, I will always write. I will always process life by writing slowly in a journal or flowing fast onto the blank page of my computer. If it never pays me a dime, I will always love it because it gives me peace.
Thus, there it is, the breakthrough…all though I’m scared shitless, and have no idea if this will ever go anywhere…I’m giving it a shot. I’m getting back in the game. My game was at its strongest at the end of 2020. I’m getting back to that.
I’m scared to “fail.”
I’m scared to succeed.
I’m scared to be seen.
I’m scared to be judged.
I’m doing this really fucking scared.
But facing that fear is what lights me up. When I show up here for me. When I share all these crazy thoughts and pieces of my life with you, life feels right. I sleep better. I feel better.
Has this helped you love?
What are you absolutely terrified to do?
What is keeping you small from chasing your dreams?
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