Always Changing

Change (v): make (someone or something) different; alter or modify

Since leaving home one thing has remained the same, I’m always changing. While some may argue my time spent in college was a period of constancy, I’d disagree. From my Freshman to Sophomore year I transferred and with each new semester there was were challenges. New classes to take, new friends to make, new teachers to learn the habits of. I moved every year at least once while I attended college. My apartment between Junior and Senior year didn’t change, I did leave for the summer for an internship thus once again causing a flux of changing. I didn’t really recognize it at the time, but every semester held a different routine. Even the routines I possessed were the loosest in the way of routines outside of the weekly class schedule I was always consistent with attending.

Leaving university, I got a job. I moved 500 miles away for that job and little did I know at that time it would be the last time I moved away from home. The job held some day to day routine, in the sense that I showed up to work every day and had tasks to accomplish. However, those daily tasks did alter. Needless to say, my 9 months on Dauphin Island, AL were the closest I’ve come to a “normal” day to day job.

Upon leaving that position, I moved away from Alabama and North of the Mason Dixon line. While I am not a die-hard Southern in my beliefs, it has always been the place I feel most fondly of when reminiscing about home, and I’ve never been a fan of cool climates. Leaving was rather bittersweet and for me at 23 the biggest change I had made in my life to date. Taking on a job where occupying a location for a full month at a time was rare. The job involved a lot of travel and with each new location came a new boat or two to work on. I wouldn’t say I was always welcome, but typically by the end of the trip I had managed to win over the crew. That job taught me a lot about how strong I was as a person. How well I handled being put into unique situations. Not many people can say they were the only female on a boat full of men for 13 days, or they were on a steel haul ship for 3 days in 20 ft seas. I can say I’ve done both.

My next major change happened when I moved to Maine for graduate school. This was the longest stint I’ve had in one state since leaving Tennessee after undergrad. Yet even there, I moved every year to a different apartment in a different city in the general area of my school. While on the outside there was routine, my teaching schedule, my class schedule, and the main constant in my life working out, nothing else was consistent. Weekly, I desperately tried to plan out the week of accomplishment. Without fail, every week my attention would be taken to some other task and my planning went to shit. Leading to the entirety of my 20s being a persistent exercise in going with the flow.

I never minded it. I actually excel with the ever-changing waves of life. Most likely the reason why once I started taking control over my life choices and stopped my career from dictating every move I made, I choose to continue what I knew the comfort of continual change.

Since 2017, I’ve moved to 5 different states, changed job occupations 3 different times, and been in and out of 4 different countries and 7 different states all for those different jobs. This is my normal. Constantly moving from place to place is easy for me. Having continuous situations to be adapting to is what I know. Life doesn’t get dull. It doesn’t get boring. It’s always moving and changing. I find comfort in this one constant in my life. I rely on this constant when life is tough. When the new challenges I signed myself up for become overwhelming or when they aren’t working out the way I envisioned them to be, I fantasize about where I’ll go next. What will I try next time and in what location? From time to time, I even flirt with settling down somewhere, and letting life be a little more boring. That was actually my goal when moving to New Orleans. I wanted to find somewhere to settle for a little while and find some routine. After a year, I missed the sea way too much to stay there anymore, and I managed to jump on the first ship I found.

Thus, in the middle of the summer, when I was physically exhausted to no end and typically emotionally spent due me relentlessly questioning my place on the boat, you best believe I was fantasizing about the season being over and blowing this popsicle stand. On the good days it made me smile, on the bad days it was the only thing keeping me going. Since joining this boat, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned how to work as a solo stewardess on a yacht. Being solo was new to me and being on a yacht was new. I was overwhelmed to stay the least due to my lack of guidance. I was rarely directly told I was doing a bad job, yet I always had this feeling I somehow wasn’t doing enough in the 15-hour a day I stood on my feet working. It was tough. I wanted to leave. I thought by this point in the year, I would be gone. Where to? Not sure, but I assumed anywhere was better than here.

Sometime in August, things settled a little. We had fewer guests to entertain, and we all magically had a little more down time. I stopped hating where I chose to be. While there was still conflict within myself about the quality of job I was doing, I had a revelation that helped me relieve the stress. I realized I was doing the best I could. I constantly told myself “You’re doing the best you can. If they have a problem with you, they need to address it.” At first, I just felt silly. Then the more I allowed it to sink in, the better I felt. The happier I was. The less I hated my day to day work.

During this time, I still assumed I’d leave. I was still at a freelance position after all. I had nothing keeping me here when the season ended. Until last week, they asked me to be full time. My initial, gut reaction was “Yes.”

My next thoughts were wait is this really what I want? What about leaving? What about my next steps?

I decided to trust my gut instincts without questioning them too much further. Major reason why, because right now, in this moment it is the best option for me. I don’t know my next steps. I don’t have a solid plan. I don’t know where I would go or what I would do. While I always have options, there isn’t an option I feel pulled to. I don’t know where I want to go next.

Other major reason, maybe this is the consistency I need for a little while. I’ve gotten really good at changing. I’ve never been good at staying put or staying the same. It took me all season to get some bit of confidence in my job, while I know I have plenty more to learn why not enjoy where I am right now. Why not enjoy being good at my job?

I’m so used to my life being in some state of settling. Yet I’m never settled anywhere. I’m interested in being slightly settled for a little while. See where it leads. See how it feels. I know this isn’t my end all be all career. I know I’m meant for something else, but while I’m figuring that out, this job gives me the time and resources to figure it out. To lean into the change of staying the same for a little while. This is new to me. This is a change in my previous habits and thinking. I’d like to see where it leads. I don’t have a contract. I’m just here until they are ready for me to leave or I’m ready to leave. Maybe this is the next challenge I need in my life. Staying the same for a little while. It will be a new adventure!