I’m going to veer away from my typical topic of discussion, men. And talk to you about another major topic in my life. One I’m afraid to talk about in fear of seeming to “hippy dippy” or “whoo whoo” or whatever term you want to put on it. Because as you know I come from a very strait-laced family. There is a way to do things. There are boxes to check. There is a path laid out for you. And 4 years ago, I left my very certain direct path with some of my boxes checked behind when it was leading me down the very certain path of confined boxes and depression.
That was the beginning. The beginning of my journey into personal development or as I, like so many others, refer to it as “the work.” I don’t talk about this work much. I don’t talk about it because to date there are two worlds, I have placed myself into. The world of academia and research and the world of pleasure yachting either sportfish or motor yachts. Neither of these worlds really talk about this shit. Academia you’re supposed to be tough because you’re not going through something that everyone before you hasn’t gone through, and since my professor had to suffer we ALL have to suffer! And you have to suffer in silence, even getting outside emotional support via a therapist seems like a weakness or at very least an inconvenience to your entire lab since how dare you take a full hour to yourself twice a month to work on your mental health. Then there is yachting, and well it’s just too damn easy. It’s a laid-back profession filled with boys and girls that wanted to stay just that boys and girls until they wake up one day at 45 or 55 or 65 and realize it’s not all just fun and games. They drank, snorted, and cleaned their life away. It is a profession well versed in numbing the pain away. You are supposed to continue the communal agreement of numbing or getting the hell out. You can work on yourself, but it best be to improve your external physical being in order to continue to get external validation.
Full disclosure I realize I am grossly over generalizing here. There are great people who have lived lovely fulfilled lives following their true profession and loved every minute of it. However, there are the others who have gotten caught up in the game, and either let their shadows take over or their ego to lead them down the path they are currently on. The path they will eventually wake up on and realize they aren’t all that happy even though they have accomplished what they set out to accomplish in life or lived it up in the party lifestyle.
Regardless, I say all that just to say, it’s not common place to talk about “the work” with my coworkers or my family. Thus, I rarely talk about it. However, I also know sharing the books I’m reading, the podcasts I’m listening to, and the lessons I’ve learned are helpful to some, and since vulnerability in written form is my super power…I’m going to do some sharing!
Four years ago, when this journey began I was completely lost as to what I was doing or where I was going. All I knew was I had a knowing inside me. The knowing that Glennon Doyle talks about in Untamed. I knew there was something else. I knew I wasn’t on the right path for myself. There was something more. Life was better than this. I was feeling things, but I was mostly just filling the negative things when as a child I mostly felt the positive things. This is when I left marine science behind. What I didn’t know at that time was it would be for good. If you haven’t read Untamed and you are starting this work, or well versed in this work…go read. I promise it is worth the read or listen!
Where I was…I knew I had to leave. I left. But then the burning question in my heart and soul and LITERALLY everyone I knew lingered…where will you go next? What was next…What was I doing with this one single precious life I was given? I was leaving but where was I going. This led to 2 years of uncertainty, partly because I truly didn’t know and partly because I didn’t trust myself. I was the girl that always had the plan, the direction, the career. It was me. I had built an identity around knowing what was the next step. When so many friends were uncertain, I was certain. I left the certainty.
When I left, I was terrified to make another wrong decision. The certainty I felt towards my last career decision left me feeling like I couldn't trust my own decisions anymore. Fear kept me paralyzed to make any certain decision. I made a few small ones. Not big. Just little next move decisions. Easily left behind. Not the type you build an entire 20-year plan around. One of those little decisions was to get into the world of sportfishing. I loved to fish. Wanted to learn how to be better at it, and it looked like a party every day. What could go wrong? Not realizing I had grown past the lifestyle of going out every night...that is exactly what could go wrong. My experience and what I observed, there were a lot of people in sportfishing. Yet the number that did it full time as a career wasn't quite as many. It was like my dating history, I was always a good time when you needed a good time, but I was easily left behind when the reality of Monday morning started calling and you had to answer. Sportfishing is a good easy time to escape from your reality. Unless it is your everyday reality. Then it's a whole other game which few manage to find stability in the long game. I saw that fast. I wanted out. I didn’t hate it all. Parts of it I enjoyed. Main issue, had nothing to do with sportfishing. I felt stuck again. Stuck in a career I didn't love. Stuck somewhere I didn't see myself staying long term. During this entire year, I felt terribly lost. I was beating myself up about another wrong decision. This is when I read You are Not Lost by Maxie McCoy. Maxie helped me realize…I wasn’t lost. I was living my life. I was rolling with the punches. I was trying shit out to see what I liked. I was gathering data on what was right and what was wrong for me.
I wasn’t lost, I was on my way. Spoiler alert...I’m still on my fucking way!
I left sportfishing. Sincerely thinking I would never return. It was another calling. Another profession I was leaving behind. While I absolutely loved marina life, waking up on the water, the people you met…so many things. It didn’t allow for me to stick to my routines…my workout routine, my morning routine, my mediation routine…i.e. my sanity. It had me living my life based around someone else’s lifestyle and someone else’s routines. I don’t like living my life that way. It makes me feel like I’m not in control of my own life. Let’s be real no one likes that feeling.
I left. I started therapy with Blush online coaching, and I moved to a new city a place I always dreamed to live. I was freshly off the market and completely single. Doesn’t make sense? I was working on me, and during 2019 I was on a roll of failed relationships. Between those 3 failed relationships and the countless others I accumulated during my 20’s, I realized the one thing they all had in common…ME! Thus, it was time. Time to take the time, slow down and work on myself …by myself.
I was clearing space to really buckle down and get down to business to create the life I always wanted. I started clearing and the tests started coming. Obviously 2020 was a test in a lot of ways for a lot of people. For me it was less about surviving or trying to figure out the rules given to us in a given month, week, or day, and more about staying in my own lane working on my own damn self. Over the 3 years prior many friends admired me for my ability to change…get up and move on a what looked or seemed like a whim. Sometimes without a place to stay or a job. Just the knowing I got this! Little did I know all my wondering on my path over the three years prior had prepared me for the year of change 2020 held. I wasn’t scared. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t reckless, but I didn’t live in terrified anxiety either. I missed a lot of what we remember to be “normal,” but I was also enjoy the slow pace and time with family I had wished for over the past decade while I was too busy chasing a career.
I settled in. I did some more work. I started this blog. I hired a business coach, Christina Lecuyer, which if you didn’t know that’s basically your own hype lady that helps you stay accountable and set goals. She’s the bomb. Everyone needs a Christina in their life!
2020 was rough. It held a lot of challenges. I don’t watch the news, I got enough going on over here inside to work on. I’m not ready to face the injustices of the world our news has to offer. The racism that still exists is awful. The riots needed to bring attention to the issue are awful…I’m not say the protesting I get that. I’m saying that it takes such a national movement to draw attention to the matter. The election. Ugh the election. I don’t care what side you are on I think we can all just sum up the 2020 election with “Thank fuck that’s over!” Then the constant do this or don’t do that on how to handle yourself during the pandemic. It was a lot. I mean is the news not A LOT for everyone? Am I not the only one who’s life is a little easier when you don’t watch the news? Maybe one day my inner peace will be so grand I will be able to take in the news and not want to cry or yell or be disgusted. But for now, I will be an ostrich and my head will be in sand. I like ostriches. I like the sand.
2020 was a lot of new. 2020 was a lot of triggers dealing with the different relationships in my life. I had friendships that were beyond tested. I had situationships that crashed and burned into devastation. Overall with the help of the women in my book club (Oh yeah forgot to mention I started a group of women who wanted to do some of this work with me. because I had to talk to someone…have you met me. Do you know how much I can talk?!?) my Blush therapist, my Christina I got through it. I got through it stronger. I learned a lot. And at the end of the year I got 2 major things I was calling in…
I got a good job. A fun job. Back on the water. Back in yachting. Because ya girl here needs to pay off some debt and the boat (owner and crew) are dope to work with. Thus, for the time being I’m back! And stoked to be going up to New England for the summer.
I GOT A MAN! Like a seriously great amazing guy. I made a list in September or October of last year. A list of what I was looking for so I myself would know. I could meet someone observe their characteristics and know if it was something I wanted or not. I made the list so I could identify my red flags and my nonnegotiable because when you got them in a list…it’s a little harder to ignore them...aren’t they love?
I realize I could be jumping the gun. I realize he may not be the end all be all “one,” but y’all he’s pretty damn great! It’s just easy with him, and I’ve always wanted a relationship that was just easy. Where I could truly be myself and be accepted for such. Even if he doesn’t end up being the one, he is my true living testament that these good men exist. Men who aren’t scared of everything I am and everything I "demand" i.e. need in a relationship. Men who show up even when it’s hard. Men we are willing to have the conversation and not brush your thoughts and feelings under the rug. Men who are seriously interested in your interests. Men who are your biggest cheerleader without you even having to ask!
And that my lovelies is where I will stop for this week. This is a long post and if you’ve gotten this far, I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT THANK YOU ENOUGH! It means the world to me that you would take the time to listen and read and hopefully laugh…I hope I’m funny. I think I can be kinda funny from time to time!
Any who what this has turned into is a pseudo reference for the books, podcasts, and resources I’ve used to do “the work.” I didn’t know it would turn into that…we both got surprised. I linked them throughout the post, but I’ll list them below with a few others that REALLY helped me that I didn’t mention above.
Books
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (this is about writing, but it's still good!)
Brene Brown…all…start with Gifts of Imperfection
Books I listened to (recently) on Audible
Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey - Amazing seriously great plus he reads it...what more could you ask for?!?
The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes - Inspiring on getting out of your shell but also setting boundaries
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - This was another geared toward writing. It hit home for me seriously, but for anyone looking to create or begin creative...I believe this book will convince you to do so.
Buy the Fucking Lilies by Tara Schuster - I liked this book. I think I'm a little beyond it to some extent....i.e. I'm not trying to claw my way out of the depths of my rock bottom, but she touches on ALOT of basics and how to get yourself started on self care and gaining self worth.
Podcasts (will get more into how these helped me next post)
Mark Groves Podcast (@createthelove)
Lacey Phillips Podcast (@tobemegnetic)
Abraham Hicks Daily Podcast
Christina Lecuyer Full disclosure that is her insta! Best place to start to get to know Christina!
Chat soon!
Conratulations (is that appropriate anymore?) and two thumbs up for Bird by Bird! Even though I have yet to read it all the way through, Anne's a great inspiration for me. I love her writing style and how she makes the craft seem possible, within reach.