I like to make changes. I’m in a period right now where I’ve started to establish some routines in my life. Typically, in my past, routines were something boring. Routines were for adults, something you had to do when you had finally grown up and basically surrendered to settling on the life you were living. Routines meant the fun in your life was over. Thus, I wanted nothing to do with them. I wanted my life to be ever-changing because I always want my life to be fun.
Now at the ripe age of 34, I’m beginning to find; that I do need some routines in my life after all. The routines I’m establishing are comforting in the ever-changing life I’ve created, and they are necessary if I’m actually going to care for myself while trying to chip away at the goals I’ve set for myself. I’ve got my morning routine. A simple, basic start to my day that is flexible to my given week. Some weeks I need a lot of mediation in the morning, journaling, and maybe a tarot pull. Other days I need to read a book. No matter what I do, for me, it’s about drinking some hot water with lemon (because too many random people say it helps, and I like it) before my morning coffee to ease into my day. I don’t enjoy getting up and going. I like to have my me time in the morning and set my attitude before I’m expected to face the outside world. I’ve established a chiropractor here in Key West, the first regular physician I’ve seen in probably my adult life. I’ve started seeing a new therapist while keeping my previous go-to gal around. That’s right, at 34, I’ve found the key to life is establishing a flexible morning routine, having a chiropractor, and seeing two therapists. Oh, and as always, I’ve been meal prepping to feed my body for all the gains I’m getting from my gym routine. Say what you will. It’s working for me. I’m doing all of this while continuing my spiritual growth. After all, something in life has to challenge me…otherwise, who needs the therapists?
Recently, I’ve started to read (well, listen on audible) and follow the guided 40-day challenge found in Gabby Bernstein’s book May Cause Miracles. In a nutshell, this book is about learning to let go of fear in your life and replacing that fear with love instead. What’s the goal? To cause miracles! Duh! I’m not talking about moving mountains here; I am simply attempting to live in a better state throughout my life with more ease and less stress. Really being present on how you live in fear each day through the little negative thoughts or feelings that rule your everyday life. While giving these up, you are replacing them with love, ease, and happiness. It’s a hard concept to describe. But I’ll tell you this, it does make you aware of all the little negative thoughts and feelings that rule your day-to-day and allows you to show yourself some grace by replacing the negativity with more love.
The book does this by giving a Morning Reflection, Daily Affirmation, Evening Activity, and Nighttime Meditation or Activity each day. All in all, I probably spend 30 minutes, maybe an hour a day, on all the things asked. While only a week in, I can say I’ve noticed being gentler with myself while my negative thoughts are slowly being replaced with positive affirmations. I’ve really been enjoying it.
In addition to this, my spiritual growth has been pushed by going to my new therapist. Seeing this therapist is exciting; yes, I said exciting… 16-year-old me would not have recognized who I’ve become where therapy is exciting and fun. Why is therapy exciting? I get to see her in person, plus we’ve been using a technic called EMDR to get down to the subconscious parts of my psyche for a new perspective on why I limit myself. The technic is super cool and can be used for all kinds of trauma. Big T trauma like PTSD, physical abuse, addiction, etc., or little t trauma like non-life-threatening injuries, emotional abuse, bullying, etc. I’m working through the little t trauma I have from childhood. I do not have any big T trauma that I’m aware of at the moment, and sincerely believe my childhood was as I remember it. These aren’t things that are hugely debilitating to me, but I do get triggered on a regular basis by them and would prefer to no longer have the issue disturbing my weekly to daily life.
Last week we ended our session on what does success mean to me? When/how would I feel successful? What do I want to accomplish to feel successful?
This question stumped me. Ten years ago, I knew exactly what success looked like to me. I had a career. I had goals throughout that career, like the 5, 10, etc., year plans. I knew I wanted to be married. I had an idea of how I perceived my life turning out. I was open and flexible about the path, but in general, I knew what I roughly wanted out of this one precious life I am living. Success was an easy question then. Ten years later and a life turned upside down, I’m not as certain. I have some ideas, some thoughts, and some goals. Heck, I always have goals…it’s an annoying thing about me. I’m a pusher, after all. Being completely content with the way life is…isn’t my thing. I can and will always be looking for ways to change for the better.
While the question of success ran through my head in the later part of last week, I kept seeing quotes pop up on social media saying things like:
“Where you are today is what you wished for yesterday.”
“Remember when you prayed for this.”
I’m not sure if it was the quotes, the MCM work I’m doing, the work put before me by my therapists this week, or a combination of it all. Nevertheless, within a few days, I realized I was succeeding in my life. My bank account may not show it. My singlehood may not look it to others. My next five years aren’t close to being mapped out. I’m still definitely figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. There is still plenty of struggle in the present day to day. But I’m light years ahead of where I dreamed I’d be five years ago.
Five years ago, I was living in Lynn. I was finishing up my M.S. I was patiently waiting to hear from my advisors, and I was moving forward with my Ph.D. program. I was crossing my “t’s” and dotting my “i’s” as best I could while doing my best not to fall completely into the deep dark depression that my life had become. Five years ago, I still had hope that all my efforts were contributing to having a career as a marine biologist. Five years ago, I was suffering as silently as I possibly could. There were a few that knew who recognized, who comforted, and a few more who, when I reached out, dismissed the severity of pain of my depression. People I had helped through hard times when life had gone a little sideways. Sincerely struggling in life will do a lot of overdue weeding out of the “friends” in your life. It’s no one’s fault, but as an extrovert, I pick up a lot of friends who I thought would always be there for me until they weren’t. I have had to learn how to stop showing up for certain people or to protect my own energy over being the one who was always there.
Five years ago, in the middle of August, I was begging for life to just be easier. I’d sit on my floor or curled up in a ball on my bed while I bawled my eyes out, saying, “I just want to be happy again.” I had lost that sparkle, that shine everyone had known me for since I was 2 years old. I was desperate for a change. Little did I know in less than a month, my cries would start to be heard. By mid-September, I’d know my advisor’s decision not to take me on as a graduate student. The next day, I started rethinking my whole career, my whole life. Another long year and a half later, I’d finally finish what I started four years prior and have an M.S. degree I have yet to use since. Yet, all of this allowed me to change my life for the better and walk away completely, knowing I had kept my promises.
Five years ago, all I wanted to be was happy.
Today, here in Key West, I’m happy.
I’ve been happy ever since I moved here. I moved here on some wild idea that God, Universe, Source, whatever you want to call the higher powers put inside me were right, and I was meant to be here in Key West. I scared my family, and I slightly scared myself at times, but never once have I thought I was in the wrong place. Even in the brief moments of life being a little too…well, life. I’d have the pleasure of biking home on my favorite island to date. It’s hard to not smile when the traffic jams are caused by chickens.
Overall, I’m happy. I have a happy life. Overall, I’m succeeding. I have a successful life.
If it weren’t for the questions, the mediations, the slow down, I might have missed these moments. I might not have realized how damn lucky I am to have set out on such a general task and reached it in such a short time period. I know life will still throw me some punches, but thankfully I’m pretty good at rolling with them.
Moral…
Bike the long way how and count your chickens along the way…you might be surprised how many hatched after all.
Comments