Our story started like your favorite romantic drama. Everything had to align just perfectly to bring us together, yet timing and distance kept us apart. Romantic, yet tragic. This is our story…
I was starting my second year in graduate school. This was a big year for me. I was stepping up to the utmost senior position within the lab as acting lab manager, typically saved for 3rd-year graduate students. Since I was the only graduate student left from the previous year, I had big responsibilities.
The first piece of this puzzle came into play during our first lab meeting of the year. We were going over goals and expectations when my advisor casually mentions the two of us will be absent from the lab at the beginning of November to go to a conference in Panama City. Being the Southern Belle I am, I assumed the conference was in a tacky tourist town on the panhandle of Florida. I didn’t think much of it except it would be a nice escape during the chilly Maine November.
After the meeting, he gave me the details in private. To my utter surprise, it was not some tourist town at all, it was Panama City, Panama. This was an international conference where many of my advisor’s friends and colleagues would be attending. Taking on new responsibilities in the lab really had its perks. My first international conference…I was pretty hyped about the opportunity.
Per usual, the perk came with a downfall, last-minute reservation making. Within a week, I had to write my first abstract for a conference, book rooms, flights, and transportation for myself, my advisor, and his guest. It was a hassle, but by Friday afternoon I could breathe easy and was ready for a little travel.
Second piece to the puzzle, the week before the conference, my advisor pulls me into his office. He is no longer attending the conference. I will be going on my own. Presenting my oral presentation along with his poster. Furthermore, all his colleagues I knew that were going would no longer be attending. Thus the international travel would not be happening solo. Exciting and slightly nerve-racking, but nothing I hadn’t done before right?!? Wrong I hadn’t…well at least not to a country I didn’t speak the language. No backing out now!
Since I was attending the conference without advisor supervision, my advisor did give me a list of people to find once I was there. Three of which were in their 60s and helping with running the conference. Only one seemed anywhere close to my age. From his profile, I didn’t find him too attractive which was a relief since I was leaving a boyfriend behind in Maine.
The day of travel arrived. Due to my early wake-up call, I hardly slept the night before in fear of missing my alarm to grab the bus for my 6 AM flight out of Logan International. I catch my flight, had a few drinks, took a quick nap, but either nerves or excitement kept me from really sleeping even in my current sleep-deprived state. After struggling to find transportation to the hotel, I arrive at my hotel in Panama City at 4 pm. I get up to my room, with serious contemplations of missing the rest of the evening and catching up on sleep, but all I could hear in the back of my head was my advisor repeating “This is a great Networking Opportunity for you.” Thus instead I freshened up, dragged my bum downstairs to the conference talks going on, to listen to the last hour and a half of them before the poster session.
During the talks, I listened to a fantastic one from a lovely cute Shark Biologist who seemed to be presenting some really revolutionary work. I was still too tired to fully understand beyond the fact he was cute. I mean I was dating someone not married! After the end of the presentations, we were all shuffled into the poster session.
Third piece of the puzzle, there my task was to stand next to my advisors poster and talk with anyone interested in his work, which I did long enough to realize the utter disappointment that my advisor himself would not be there and these people had utterly no interest in talking to a Tuna Chick. I was annoyed and figured my duty was over. Thus I began to wander around the posters for a second. Before I conveniently wandered my way over to the bar area to stand in line.
I’m standing there solo hearing random convos around me. Wondering if I’d actually get a full meal before bed. Or how many drinks I’d have before I did that. Fourth piece, I heard a lovely British accent from behind me say…
“Oh like this Laura Ellis?”
I whipped around to suddenly be surrounded by 2 tall British shark Biologists. Like seriously at the time this was something out of a Marine Biologists wet dream, right?!? Before I get a chance to say anything the less attractive lanky one asks me: “Are you Dr. Jerky John’s Laura?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, my advisor had a rep for sleeping with his students, “Well I’m not ‘his’, but yes I am his graduate student.”
“Good I found you. I’m Sam. He told me to find you and hang out with you.”
“Oh good! Now I don’t have to drink alone!”
My real thought, ‘Oh good, I’m not attracted to you! I was worried about my boyfriend back home.’
I won’t lie or try to hide from anyone. I’m not a good girlfriend. I try. I have the best of intentions, but I typically fall for someone while I’m dating someone else. There are lots of overlap between my relationships and situationships. Think what you will, my 20s overall were a blast! This is a flaw I am currently trying to stop here in my 30s! All we can do is improve with age right?!?
However, this added to our story as star crossed lovers…or something like that!
They kept talking as I stood there. Maybe they included me, maybe they didn’t. I honestly don’t remember. All I remember is standing there. Getting a drink. Then making our way to a larger group of their friends. One of which was the cutie presenting earlier, Bret. I was happy about this luck of fate. As we finished up our drinks with the poster session wrapping up…
Sam turns to me and asks “Had dinner? Hungry?”
“No dinner…STARVING!”
We find some fast food burgers and then transitioned to Karaoke. It was a fun night with me trying my best to get closer to Bret, Bret not giving me the time of day, and Sam trying to get to know me better. I wasn’t really noticing him. I assumed he was still trying to do his best to make me feel comfortable. To maintain his promise to my advisor. Yes, I swear I’m so naïve sometimes it’s stupid!
Karaoke shuts down we walk home. Sam walks me to my hotel room. Gets my number to chat so we can connect in the AM.
Sometime over the next 2 days, I lose interest in Bret and focus my attention on Sam. He’s not my type, tall, skinny, very tatted with facial piercings, but he was super sweet and a gentleman. He seemed generally interested in me making good conversation, and always concerned about my well-being, i.e. making sure I get home safe every night. To this little Southern Belle, that means a lot. Manners go a long way.
Throughout the conference, we continued inappropriate conversations for a girl with a boyfriend, but I was upfront and honest with Sam throughout the conference that I was taken and I was staying faithful. The convos consisted of intimate details about my life…family, relationships, etc. Then the flirty things as well. Sam complimenting my hair, my legs, my beauty in general. Let me tell you ladies and gents you wouldn’t have been able to resist either.
We were always a part of the group. Bret and I grew a strong friendship as well over those 5 days. Bless his heart though he was too much of a mess for me to take him seriously romantically. Plus, he seemed disinterested outside of a friendship. I guess he took the fact I had a boyfriend seriously and respected it. Hindsight 20/20 Sam was not respecting that.
Regardless, the 3 of us part ways after the conference…pseudo the 3 amigos. I made a new bestie with Bret, and Sam…oh Sam was the newest apple of my eye. I was so impressed with him. Shark biologists with accents in Marine Biology go a long way.
Over the next month, the relationship only grew. We talk every day all day except when one or both of us actually HAVE to get serious work done. It was the typical Honeymoon stage of any relationship. We talk a lot of evenings. It’s beautiful…I fell for him. He fell for me.
Complete with him telling his family about me. Maybe not details but mentioned his new friend to his Nan over Christmas. She was my biggest fan. He messaged me throughout his trip home over the holidays about how he couldn’t wait to bring me to London. Be my personal chaperon. Literally, ladies, he told me all the right things. I looked over the convos the other night to see if I was crazy for falling for him. I wasn’t. He was being everything I ever wanted.
So when he asked me to visit, I plan a trip to see him after the New Year before I return to Maine for school.
Ugh that trip, it was magical. It was perfect. We slept in, drank wine late. Cuddled on the couch with my feet in his lap, yes he rubbed them. Breweries together. Night out in Detroit’s up and coming bars and restaurants. Just spent 4 amazing days together. The only flaw I found over the stay, a simple comment
“I just won’t do distance again. I did it with my Ex and it just doesn’t work for me.”
One little comment that crushed everything he had told me. Crushed all the hopes I had for there to be an us someday in the near or distant future. My last big relationship was long-distance and it was terrible. I wholeheartedly agreed. I didn’t let it get to me, because let's be real ladies we always think our love for them will change their nonnegotiable…right?!?
(P.S. Women waiver on nonnegotiable. Men do not. Trust me on this one. If you are hearing something like this whether he will admit it or not you’re a goner!)
Plus, Fate brought us together so cleverly, how could all this end with one simple statement or belief. Fate must know something about him I don’t. Maybe we would live in the same city naturally… unplanned…unforced…and everything would just work.
I just knew somehow some way we would work out.
Sam’s behavior after my visit solidified all my ‘Knowing’. He was as attentive as ever. He would even say he was falling in love with me after he was home remembering me next to him in his bed after a few too many at the bar. I still have those screenshots saved...to my favorites…in my phone. I’d look at them on bad days when I hadn’t heard from him in a week to remind myself he still cared.
Over time, the communication was reduced as to be expected. There were still the “I miss you” texts and the random “Hello how are you? Nice Bum.”. We would see each other at least once a year. Always talk of plans of being more frequent, but it was romanticizing for us both with our busy lives. I was happy when I did see him, to have the reminder of how easy it was to just be with him. How effortlessly we fit together. Those visits kept me going. Kept me hoping.
Then one day in the middle of October 2018 drowning my thesis writing sorrows in Target with a Bestie of mine…I got the text…
Not the one I had hoped solidifying our plans for me to visit in mid-November. He was checking his calendar for dates last we spoke a week ago. I was too entrenched in my thesis struggles, when I got this text I had forgotten all about any planned visit.
“Hey Laura, I have started to see someone here. Not sure what it is right now or where it is going, but I wanted to let you know given the nature of our communication. Still want to hear from you all the time of course. Very much value our friendship.”
I was stopped dead in my tracks. I was heartbroken. It was a rough day and I wanted to sit on the floor at Target and cry. Instead I waited until I was home with a bottle of wine….
This isn’t the end….There is more to this story…
To Be Continued…
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