Alrighty…back to the hard things I’ve been doing in my life before life got hard!
As y’all know by now, I’m big into doing “the work.” I want to create a life I truly love, and I believe in order to do this I must face the hard-sticky parts of my past I’ve chosen subconsciously to push down. The parts of my insides I don’t want to look at that are dictating my current limiting self-worth and feeding my limiting beliefs.
I.e. I’m looking to “manifest” a life I desire.
I know that’s a tough concept for many. It was for me for years. Who am I to create my own reality? There are higher beings than myself doing that, why the fuck would I create this reality I thought?!? Where I wasn’t living up to the life, I had laid out for myself at 17…or more importantly where I wasn’t fucking happy! Why would I choose not to be happy in my life?!?
The brief answer here, you aren’t choosing it. You programmed it from a young age before you knew what the fuck was going on. When you were a little baby, toddler, child, teenager, and maybe even into your early 20s, this is when you developed your thoughts and feelings and perspective about life. As you can tell a lot of this happened before you knew what was going on. If you’re not catching on…think about some of your core beliefs…
1. What’s your annual income? What’s your parents?
2. What’s your religious/spiritual views? What’s your parents?
3. How’s your romantic life? How were your parents?
4. What kind of music do you listen to? Your parents?
5. How do you think you should be living your life? What did your parents believe or how did you witness them living?
Up until I was 29, my life highly represented my Mother’s. I was finding a career path as a scientist. I had worked some in my field. I was finishing up my second degree, looking into my third. Everything on the outside was aligning. Everyone was very proud of me. Everyone understood my path. I understood my path. I had answers to important questions, like where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you want to do with your life? What’s your next step? What are your goals? I had it all figured out because I was living my mother’s life all over again. It was easy. It was simple. It was a laid-out plan that worked. But here's the catch, it was her life I was living. When you’re living someone else’s life, someone else’s truth, your life starts hurting. Starts crying to be heard. Your life causes problems.
Problems that start subtle and escalade to major issues. The chronic shoulder pain. The eczema. The gut issues that elude modern medicine. The depression. The numbing that turns into an addiction. These are the things that happen when you’re not living your own life. When you’re following someone else’s rules. You look to escape your reality, and you do it in unhealthy ways. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it. I know what it feels like and how easily it just happens.
This is how you create a life, a reality you don’t want to be staring in. This is how you become unhappy. Once you realize the unhappy, that’s when you have a choice. You can continue to make the same choices you’ve made that has led you to where you are in this moment of unhappiness, or you can decide to choose differently.
Most would automatically think, “Well who would choose to stay unhappy?” If you don’t understand the complete ridiculousness of that question, you aren’t paying attention to your surroundings. All kinds of people are choosing a life everyday they don’t love because it gives them something, they think they need. They have been told their whole life they will be happy if they follow the rules, and then they follow the rules and don’t understand why they aren’t happy. The other reason, we are creatures of habit. It’s much easier for us to stay the same than it is for us to change. Anyone who’s tried something new on for size gets this. New workout routine, new diet, new job, new hobby…all pretty much suck until you get better at them. Until you stick with it and do them for a while. This is why so many people stop before they see the progress. This is why change is considered hard. This is why people stay unhappy.
If you decide at this point to choose differently. To change your life to one you enjoy living, don’t get me wrong this isn’t the easier route, but it is worth it. You’ve created your current life where you are, and while you’re unhappy there is a whole system or group of people around you that know you for the way you are currently in your unhappy state. When you start changing it will make them uncomfortable. Your friends, family, coworkers won’t get it for the most part. Some will support you blindly because they have seen the pain in your eyes for some time, and they get it. They won’t understand what you’re doing, but if you are lucky, they will be there, and they will love you through it. I hope you have the support you need from the ones you love. If you do not, I hope you find your people. They are out there. You’re not the only one who has that knowing that life should be better than your current reality. Find them.
Choosing change. Choosing to be happy. Choosing to make my life a different reality than the one I had created up until I was 29 is what led me to The Pathway. The Pathway is what I’m currently using to uncover my demons. To figure out my limiting beliefs. Not just figure them out but actually work through them as well. It’s one thing to know what sets you off, the little triggers that send you into the spiral of over thinking, wondering if you’re good enough, doing enough. It’s another thing to recognize them and no longer be affected by them. Let me tell you when you tell the universe this is what you want to do, it will test you. It will send you triggers to see how you will react. While they can be tough and defeating, it is also so very rewarding to see how far you have come over time.
Currently I’m working on “outing my Shadow.” I have a good bit of work to do about my old stories and beliefs that hold shame for me: abandonment, unworthy, and emotional. These are three things that hit me to my core, especially the abandonment part. Mainly because it’s so new. A year ago, or hell a month ago I would’ve never described myself to have abandonment issues. I was never “abandoned” as a child, but there were subtle ways I was unwanted. Little events that happened literally before I was 1 year old, and yet they gave me feelings of being unwanted and abandoned by the people who loved me most. I know it’s through the journal prompts and the guided mediations given in the Pathway linked with my true desire to work through my issues that has led me to uncovering some of my darkest limiting beliefs. I am happy I’m here. I’m happy I’m able to observe my surroundings and be less reactive towards them. I’m happy they allow me to regulate my emotions easily. Being emotional is a quality I’ve had my entire life; it is a part of me I’ve denied for the majority of my life. Since emotions showed weakness, and weakness wasn’t an acceptable thing to be growing up in my household. I hide that part of myself, or at least tried. But it always came back out. It always reared its ugly head in one way or another. I’m figuring out all the little pieces of the puzzle to make my life better. To create a life that just flows. To create a life where I’m just happily enjoying life.
I did not get to the Pathway at the beginning of this journey. In fact, I think it could be a lot if you are just starting this work. I inched into it. I purchased the membership in the beginning of 2020, and maybe got through one of the workshops. I wasn’t ready for this work then. I had to do other things. I had to ease into it more. I’m more open than I was a year ago. I’m more willing to look at the parts of myself that scare me. I’m ready to look at the parts that really hurt. If you are there, check it out in one of the multiple places I linked it. Or just check out the podcast Lacey has called To Be Magnetic. If you think it may work for you, a free podcast is a great place to start! If you are looking for some lighter stuff, go back and reference my blog from a few weeks ago. I definitely got started on this path at a lot slower pace than what the Pathway offers. I read some books and listened to other podcasts before I even stumbled across the To Be Magnetic community and Lacey’s work the first time.
Whatever you need, wherever you are, if you have that ache in your soul don’t ignore it. Take steps to a better future. Even if they are the tiniest of baby steps. Do it! If you need more guidance or want to have an honest heart to heart convo, someone to listen and support you. Reach out to me. Either here on my website or on Instagram or whatever place feels safe to you. Just get started. Even if getting started just means admitting you want a change. That’s enough. That’s a big enough step in the right direction…and it’s a way bigger step than it feels like…I promise!
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