Goals

Goals…we all got ‘em. Or Jeez I hope you do. If not, you can take one of mine!

I’ve always been a very goal-oriented person. Call it my nature. Call it my upbringing. Call it my deep fear of settling for a life a little less than the grand one I picture in my daydreams. Call it what you want, from a young age I’ve always had goals.

I’ve always been a go-getter. Playing sports as a child, the coach would often be impressed at how fearlessly I would go after a fly ball or get smacked in the face with a basketball and knocked to the ground and then bounce right back up. I will say I’m missing something in the risk assessment department, I truly do not believe I can fail until something happens that proves me otherwise.

Either way, this character trait has suited me well. It’s made me “ambitious.” Being ambitious is what moved me to Maine for graduate school in 2014. I was determined to get there. I knew it was my next move for the career goals I had. Graduate school, not Maine. While I grew to appreciate Maine’s beauty, I would still never live there voluntarily. I followed my drive straight to the worst 3 years of my life thus far. Don’t get me wrong up until this point I was a glutton for punishment. Being someone who is ambitious you come naturally to it, due to you constantly questioning yourself daily “Did I do enough today?” Expand that into a week, month, year, decade…you get the picture. You are your own worst critic!

Regardless, my ambition to succeed at Marine Science lead me down a dark path. While I still fully believe I had to go down this path, I had to hit that rock bottom. I had to know to my core leaving Marine Science was my decision. Not something I “couldn’t do.” Those 4 years (said 3 earlier because the first year wasn’t so bad.) showed me I had the grit to sharpen my teeth alongside the best of the best in Marine Science. I could’ve gone on, gotten my Ph.D., done my Post-Doc, gotten a teaching position or government job. Maybe saved a Tuna species. Yet, I would’ve been miserable the entire time. While Marine Science brought out the most ambitious side of me, it also brought out the most self-destructive. My mental health suffered greatly. My career path was no longer fun. It was a competition.

If y’all follow, you know, this is when I decided to leave. I finished my M.S. and haven’t spoken to my advisor since the day I left. I gained so much by accomplishing something I thought was almost impossible to finish, yet I lost something too.

I lost trust in myself.

I lost trust in myself, my behaviors, my ambition, my goals. Up until this point, I had a deep knowing of where I was going. I had a path. I was never lost, detoured maybe but never lost. Then in the wake of picking up the broken pieces, I lost the one thing I always had, trust in myself to know what I wanted. After all, I was certain for over a decade Marine Science was my path. I truly thought it was what I wanted. I gave it everything I had. It took everything I had.

How could I trust myself to pick a new something?

So, for a while I did, and I didn’t. I picked yachting. It was easy to get into. Easy to get out of. Everything seemed fun at first. Everything seemed laid-back and easy. Then I got in my own way. I saw it, I was settling for a life without much impact. I was settling for something easy. I wasn’t happy settling. And that’s the funny thing when you start settling, easy or not, it doesn’t feel so easy. Yachting became a struggle for me. I wasn’t fulfilled.

I left for a year to figure out what I wanted. I came back within a year because floundering in “figuring it out” doesn’t exactly pay the bills. I’ve enjoyed my time back. I’ve learned a lot. The crew and owner are fantastic. Yet, I’m finding myself at the exact same place I was in 2 years ago when I yachting the first time …unfulfilled with my work.

Maybe I’m my own worst enemy. Maybe in my mind, I’m meant for grander things than I’m actually meant to achieve. Yet, I still like to believe all the cheesy quotes saying, “If the dream in you, it’s for you.”

For now, my next goal is to become a copywriter (think the words you read on websites or ad sales). Why a copywriter?

Well, because obviously, I enjoy writing. It is a position that can be freelance or on staff. I can do this work remotely, i.e. when my little nomadic heart says go, I can respond “Where to?” I believe it is the first step to creating a life on my own terms.

While I am set on this goal, I’ve been coming across some resistance. I’ve found this before. My self-trust muscle is weak. I’m excited about this new career, it will still take time, energy, and effort. And I can’t seem to fight the little voice in the back of my head saying… “What if this is all for nothing…again?” There is worry in my heart and mind that once again I’ll go down this road and I won’t like what I find. I’ll have to leave all over again. I’ll have to start all over again.

What does that little voice in the back of my head do?

It kills my motivation to start something new. It keeps me frozen not moving forward because I’m unsure of success. Then I start to rationalize…who is ever certain of success? No one really. Everyone is just going after what they think is the next best step. Some steps are bigger, riskier than others. While others keep you a little safer, you’re taking the leap but the safety net is still there for the fall.

Currently, I’m taking the leap with my safety net intact. How am I doing this?

By setting up little daily goals. I bought a program over a month ago to start practicing the skills needed for a copywriter. I’ve faced resistance every step of the way. My fear keeps telling me I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to fail again.

Have you ever felt this way before?

I’m sure you have. I think we all have. Thus, how do we overcome this fear?

For me, the practice that has helped me over the past week…I’ve committed to doing the exercises for 15 minutes a day. I’ve woken up early every day to do this, write, and do my work through the Pathway or mediate. The problem with yachting was never yachting it was I was losing myself. Having daily goals is crucial for me to move forward to the life I want to create instead of feeling “stuck” living someone else’s dream. I’m loving it while I’m here, but this isn’t for the rest of my life.

So, what is it you want? What is you next goal? How are you going to achieve it?

Maybe you are looking at a move, yet you “don’t have the time to do your research.” Break the research down. Take 15 minutes a day to search the web or daydream about what you really want from your new place. Write down your wish list. Search for your wish list. Keep a log. Thus in 3 months if you still feel you have gotten “nowhere” you can look back on the log and realize you may have a long list of what you don’t want, but that’s better than never looking at all!

Main takeaway, don’t let fear and overwhelm keep you playing small. You got this! We got this!

Need a little help with goal setting or talking through that terrible question, “What’s next?” Hit me up. I’m pretty good at making changes to finding the next step.