Growing up I always wanted to fit in.
This feeling started at a young age. I was the only extrovert in a family of introverts. I was a social butterfly. I loved being the center of attention, but all things being equal in our family I didn’t always get to be. Plus being brought up as a little girl in the south, it’s best if children are seen and not heard right? Thus, from a very young age, I felt as though something was off.
When I went to grade school everything was going well until the 4th grade when all the girls in my class decided to stop talking to me. It was if some magic wand had been waved, all my friends in the 3rd grade who seemingly adored me decided in the 4th and 5th grade I wasn’t a cool kid, and I was not to be talked to. I’m not kidding you...all the girls in my 4th-grade class blackballed me. Would leave an area I walked into. Wouldn’t play with me during recess. If I sat near them at lunch they would laugh and giggle maybe not at me per se but it wasn’t a joke I knew about. I’m not sure if my parents knew the extent to how much this bothered me that no one wanted to play with their little fun-loving extrovert. Literally typing this story out, and recalling the rejection I felt, it still brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know if my parents understood, but I do remember crying to my Momma about it at some point and her response was the typical Mom response,
“Sweetie they are just jealous of you.”
I remember thinking THEY are jealous OF ME?!? Why? I’m the one over here without any friends why would they be jealous of me. Looking back…while I wasn’t the smartest or the richest in my class, I was the one that had the most of both if that makes sense. So hindsight 20/20 the jealousy thing makes sense but doesn’t really matter since the damage had been done. I thought something was wrong with me. My confidence was shot, and I had a goal to never feel like that again. I had gone from being me to desperately trying to fit in somewhere. At a young age, I learned to sensor who I was so others would want to be my friend.
There was a glimmer of hope laying outside of 5th grade. We would be changing schools. We would all be going to a different bigger school for 6th grade. I couldn’t wait! I thought it was my chance to make a new group of friends. A group of friends who were going to finally accept me for me. I did make new friends. I made a lot of new friends. The only thing I didn’t consider beforehand was all my new friends had already been friends with each other for the past 6 years of their lives. I was new.
Thus in middle school, I settled between groups…somewhere between the smart kids and the sports kids. In high school, this transferred over to being somewhere between the “good kids” (nondrinkers, smart kids) and the “bad kids” (party jock girls). I tittered. I could’ve gone with the good kids, they would’ve fully accepted me into their circle, and they are still amazing ladies…I recently reconnected with a few of them on a visit home. I also had my friends I worked my after-school job with. They were some of my favorites and again should’ve been the relationships I focused on. But I am human and well…we always want exactly what we can’t have, don’t we? So, I spent my time always trying to fit in with the groups that didn’t fully accept me. Either way…moral of the story, this theme followed me from 4th grade till graduation day. I don’t blame the kids I went to school with. While hurtful in 4th and 5th grade, my problems could’ve easily been solved after I left grade school, if I hadn’t been trying to prove my story right….
I don’t belong here.
I went off to college at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. I enjoyed it, but it was a little too small. I didn’t have a group there either, and I caught myself doing the same things every week…I wanted something more exciting. So I transferred to the University of Tennessee main campus in Knoxville. I loved it there. I had 2 really good friends there, one I had made at UTC my freshman year and the other my bestie of all besties (my best friend I had since I was 4 but never went to school with).
On top of that, I also got involved with Sailing Club which gave me a bunch of friends really quickly. I thoroughly enjoyed my undergraduate career. I had a bunch of friends in a bunch of groups. I wouldn’t have classified myself into one specific group, and slightly always felt torn between my friend groups. However, I did have a core group from college that I still see to this day when I go home. They truly mean the world to me.
Alas being in Marine Science, I knew that would only last so long eventually I would move away from my landlocked state. To be completely honest this thrilled me. I was so excited to move away to get this chapter of my life started. I loved all my friends at home, but I was ready for a change. I was ready for a group of people who were interested in the things I was interested in.
Needless to say, I moved around too much. The first 9 months after graduating, I moved to Dauphin Island, AL where I found my second Bestie Best and a bunch of other really great people. But there was a group on that island I never fit in with. They all still see each other, spend time with each other, still a part of each other’s lives which I think is amazing. Which is the thing I’ve always been envious of, but I wasn’t a part of that. I watch that from a distance on social media.
After that, I got a job working on commercial fishing boats for the government. I was on a new fishing boat at least a week if not more. A new port once a month typically more. I loved that job. I loved the coworkers I met, I loved the fishermen I met. I loved the experience of being out to sea with those old Salty Seamen, but as you would guess moving around that much can be a lonely job. Hanging out in a hotel room by yourself can be lonely. Always getting dinner by yourself can be lonely. My new theme…my new story:
I’m lonely and I don’t belong here.
Fast forward to graduate school…again moving to Maine I had high hopes that this was it! This is when I find my tribe! This is when I find my people!
Alas, throughout my 3 years I found many friends, many people I still love catching up with, but never that tight-knit group. Not your wedding party people, just friends. At the end of graduate school, a lot of things weren’t working out. Mostly my career but in general I needed a reboot. I needed to go home. I needed to go to at least the one PLACE I always felt like I belonged.
Until home…was not home anymore. At the same time, my life was crashing down around me in my chosen field of Marine Science (more details here
)…my parents’ marriage was crashing down around all of us. Once a very dysfunctional unit had now become pieces of that dysfunctional unit. Home over the years had been the one refuge I could use to escape when nothing else was making sense. I always knew my parents home, the couch, and little Butter…our beagle…would be there for me to recharge. It was a solid foundation to rely on until it wasn’t.
After some slight recharging, I moved back to New England to
fully finish my M.S. and be around the sport-fishing industry I wanted to make my career. I didn’t expect to belong here. I didn’t expect living in New England would be so easy. I never expected this little Southern Belle to voluntarily move there. Isn’t that the funny thing…when you let go of the idea or the desire you’ve wanted for so long when you just let it go and trust the universe…God…whatever you’d like to call it…surprises you to make you smile and brings you exactly what you’ve always wanted.
I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I had finally found my tribe. I remember the day I had the revelation, I was driving home crossing under the Sagamore Bridge with the sun beaming my windshield…I took a deep breath…and thought ‘Yeah here it is. Here’s your new Home.’ I soaked up every second of that feeling. I had finally found what I had always wanted after 30 years!
I left there too. I left home. I left where I belonged. I guess that’s what I do. I guess that’s who I am. I know that’s why my people love me and hate me all at the same time. They always want me to stay but love seeing me spread my wings.
It took me a while to recognize this story I was telling myself. It took breaking the story to realize the story I was telling myself. It took me a while to appreciate all the people I had met along the way. I may not have a strong core tribe in one location, but I have places from Maine to Florida with an inviting bed and a friendly conversation. People that feel like home. People who got me through some of the hardest days of my life. That may not be typical, but I know now it is damn special!
Moral…do not let the stories you tell yourself let you miss out on the greatness all around you! And especially the greatness inside you!
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