Healing is a Process: Post Break-up Thoughts

Healing is a Process.

Over the past 2 months, I’ve been processing.

Roughly 2 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was the longest consistent relationship I’ve ever had. I loved him. I tried to make things work. I did all the things. I followed him to Colorado. I supported his business. I told him I loved him the first time I felt the sensation of love for him.

He was the first man I moved for. He was the first man I lived with. He was the first relationship I gave an honest shot to.

I toiled over our relationship for roughly 6 months, a little after we moved back to Key West from CO. I’m not ready to talk about the details of why I ended the relationship. However, I can say this, I tried. I gave it my full effort. Maybe I could’ve stayed longer, tried longer, but for the first time in my relationship history, I didn’t run away when things got tough. I stuck around. I had the hard conversations. I initiated the hard conversations. I did see glimpses of change. But the amount of change I saw for the number of hard conversations and constantly feeling as though I was nagging him to be something he wasn’t, wasn’t fair to either one of us.

I ended it because, I truly believe if we are meant for to be together, we will come back together. The universe won’t hold us apart, but for this time in my life I needed to be on my own again. I need to focus all the attention I have onto my future, not onto our future.

Some will call this selfish. I’m okay with being selfish. Women aren’t praised for this attribute, but I find it to be the one I need to keep being my true authentic self. I easily over give. It’s my nature, or my training, to care for others. To pour into them until I have nothing left, while asking absolutely nothing in return. Resulting in a bitchy, not so loving Laura. Thus, instead to protect the Laura we all know and love, I need to have times where I am selfish. Where I do exactly what I want, when I please, for the number one person in my life.  

I’m getting into that phase as we speak, but before this phase could come, I had to process. I had to heal.

Healing is a process. It’s different for everyone. It’s different for each experience we heal from. How I heal from losing a loved one is different than how I heal after a breakup. My healing process post break up at 36, looks a whole lot different than it did at 26.

All the major relationships I had through my 20’s ended because our futures weren’t aligning. They wanted kids, I wanted a career. My career was taking me else where, they didn’t want to uproot their lives. Or they would follow me to the ends of the Earth, but I didn’t ask them to come. Simply put, our paths, our life goals didn’t align.

Each of these endings, destroyed me. Even when they were my decision. Even when they ended roughly amicably. I was devastated. I took the rejection personally. I always thought it was my fault. I could’ve done something different. Been better in some way. Maybe I shouldn’t be so stubborn. Maybe I shouldn’t be so ambitious. Maybe I should simply settle for some resemblance of a “normal” life.   

Oh, the times I’ve laid in bed post break up, in the fetal position bawling my eyes out desperately wishing that my dreams, my deepest desires could be more status quo.

 Why is paying rent more comforting than owning a home? Why does the open road seem more secure than a picket fence? Why do I want to fill a passport book with stamps to countries I’ve never been than fill a house with 3 kids, a husband, and dog? Why am a tragically flawed? Am I tragically flawed to desire this type of life over the other?

I don’t know, but I do know I’ve blamed myself all too often for being too much or not enough in every aspect of my life, and each failing relationship confirmed these biases.

Historically, the healing from those relationships resulted in a lot of numbing. The numbing came in the form of “having a good time with friends” (going out and drinking), finding someone new as a lovely distraction (calling up my go to “friend” for some benefits), or throwing myself into work (flat out being so busy I was always exhausted).

The first two options, I’ve thankfully left behind in my 20’s. The third is the one I created in my 20’s because it was an acceptable choice to the other two options. Why? Because it wasn’t judged. Quite the opposite, it was always admired with friends and family saying things like…

“Wow! You’re doing so well.”

“Jeez, you’ve really got it together.”

“Look at you transforming that pain into productivity.”

These comments brought me the external validation I lost during the breakup. This method to get through the pain was the plan for my recent breakup. After all, my mornings would be freed up to write and my evenings to read since I wasn’t talking with Zach during those times. I no longer had to plan times for our schedules to align across two time zones, I could simply plan my days for me. I’d fill my time with all the things.

Then the breakup happened. The breakup, while had a lot of lead up, happened very abruptly. I called him on my drive down to the gym before work. For 25 minutes of the 30-minute drive it was a normal conversation. The last 5 minutes, I broke things off with him. He was shocked. I was shocked. He was mad. He hung up.

I sat in my car and texted two friends, my mom, and my sister. I cried while I put my shoes on.

I went into the gym cried through my workout. I showered. I went to work. I hugged the bartender, my good friend, and started working. She tried to convince me to sit in the office and do nothing. But the activity helped. I went home. I cried some more before I went to bed.

I got up the next morning with my puffy eyes thinking I could jump into my day. After all, I had been thinking about this breakup off and on for months. Every time we needed another talk, the option to leave was always rattling around in the back of my mind. Thus, subconsciously I had been pseudo processing it, right?

Wrong!

Reality is there is a difference between anticipating the break and experiencing the break.

So, I gave myself that day to be sad. To cry. To get it all out.

That day bleed into the next and turned into a week.

A week later I was still breaking down into uncontrollable sobs that simply hit when anyone asked how I was holding up. There was no grace to this breakup. It almost seemed as if my body decided it was time to show people how fucking messy, I could actually be.

Around this time, I gave up on being productive. I let go of the guilt for not getting to my writing. I had spent the prior 3 months writing at 5k-10k words towards my blog and my book. I wanted to double down and make it a consistent 10k. I wanted to do Jamie Attenburg’s 1000 words of summer challenge, where you write 1000 words a day for at least a month maybe more. I don’t actually know the challenge guidelines because I missed the signup, I missed the explanation, I simply missed it. Instead, I cried.

The only commitment I kept was the one I had already started. The annual To Be Magnetic summer challenge. That was the one thing I told myself I would do until it was done, and once it was done, I didn’t even have to do it anymore. I kept that word. I finished the challenge. It felt good, and I’ve barely practiced since.

I’ve simply been existing. Spending time with friends. Admitting it’s hard. I miss him. I still love him, and a part of me always will because I don’t really loss love for people. But the love is different now.

I’ve been journalling a lot, when the mood strikes. Writing down how I feel that day. Scripting how I want my future to look, feeling into those dreams. It’s been nice.

I’ve been kind to myself. Talked to myself more like a friend than a harsh critique. Reminding myself the writing, the work, the art will be there when I’m ready.

The most beautiful thing has been happening while processing this past relationship, I’ve also letting go of the emotional buildup of past relationships. There are two specifically that I’ve held hurt and anger in my heart around for far too long.

One was over literally 6 years ago, the guy is married with two kids. He wanted kids. He wanted a wife. I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve never been sold on simply being a wife. Yet, I was still so angry for with him all these years later for not picking me for these dreams I didn’t want to fill. And somewhere in the middle of processing all this pain, all this realization came to me, and I forgave him. I forgave myself for being so angry for so long. For allowing someone to use me the way he always did. For not standing in my worth every time he called late at night on the way to some trip or after a tournament weekend. I forgave him. I let go of the anger. I deleted his number from my phone.

The later situation isn’t completely closed. I’m waiting for him to contact me again, which he will within 2-3 months like clockwork. At that time, I’ll tell him not to bother. I’m not interested in the level of “relationship” he has to offer me. It will be a hard door to close. The external validation I’ve received from him over the past 5 years will be hard to let go. The little ego boost every time he messages wanting to see me, will be tough to surrender. However, it’s not the energy I want in my life anymore. He’s only offering me crumbs when I crave the whole damn cake.

I don’t want these loose ends. These half-healed spots leaking out of my heart anymore. I’m so happy and thrilled, I’ve truly released these broken parts of me and started the healing process on them. The next relationship I want to go into with a fully healed heart. One that isn’t trying to protect the soft spots. One that isn’t trying to fill voids left by other men.

I’ve let go of the past I held onto for so long by healing from the current relationship.

I don’t completely understand it myself, but it does feel good to let go of the things that haven’t been present for a long time while I process what’s currently hurting.

It’s been two months, or close to it. And I’m feeling like myself again. I’ve been inspired to write. For the first month and a half, I couldn’t bring myself to write. The creative energy expended to process was all focused inward to my healing instead.

Hopefully now, slowly, it can start turning outward to once again share slabs of my heart with y’all allowing us to heal together!