Disclaimer....I really wanted it to be perfect. I really wanted to hold up my end of the bargain and post consistently on Taco Tuesday as I promised I would always do but...well...life was a little tough last week and I moved back to New Orleans beginning of this week. Sooooo yeah....some would call these excuses. I'm calling it holding a little grace for myself! Enjoy love!
“Okay, what’s up? You’re being oddly silent.”
“You’re going to hate me.”
I’ve never hated her a day in my life, but I always do love when she gets silent or says things like this because I know it’s about to be a real good convo or I'm going to laugh my ass off.
“You know I couldn’t ever hate you…what is it?”
“I made up with Matty last night.”
“You did what?!? Why?!? I thought you were so pissed at him.”
I won’t go into details on what the fucker did, or how I’ve been telling her for 2-3 weeks at this point we both knew it was over and how she should just rip the Band-Aid off. And def won’t go into the exact makeup convo they had, but in her defense, he did take ownership of the shit he did...which was good. But at the end she said:
“You think I’m an idiot don’t you? Am I being an idiot?”
“Sweetie, of course you aren’t. You’re being human. Do I think it’ll last…no. But you also aren’t done with him yet. And who am I to call the kettle black, we all know everyone has told me to get the fuck over Texas how many times, and I’m still holding out for that man.”
“Well maybe he will.”
“You’re right maybe he will. I tell myself that a lot. I also tell myself it must not be the right time for us. The universe has other plans. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. But either way I know one thing for certain. I am not over that man. So, I can try to do all the forgetting I want, but I know it won’t do a lick of fucking good until that one day I wake up, and I’m just magically over him. Maybe he’ll text out of nowhere and I’ll be so excited at first, but the convo will just end out of thin air because I get distracted out of nowhere. Or maybe one day he'll text me and for the first time, I'll realize I don't want to talk to him every second of every day like I have for so long. When that happens, I’ll know it’s over. I'll walk away. And that’s how it is with you and Matty…you just aren’t done yet. Maybe someday you will be, and maybe someday you won’t be. But who am I to make that call.”
“I know you’re right. You always right!”
Convo kept going but not quite so deep.
First of all I am nowhere close to always right. Honestly, some or many would most likely argue with me about my logic above because for them it’s not the way their lives work. For me right now, and for my friend, it is. We are both in these situations that aren’t ideal, and if we were 22 instead of our early 30s, I’d probably say “Fuck it and go find someone else to get the fuck over him now!” That’s not a joke…that used to be my breakup cure. Go find some sad unsuspecting guy who’s head over heels for me and use him until I realize I was never into him too much in the first place. Then slowly but surely “let him down easy”. Basically all of my 20s that's how my dating life worked. If I wasn’t in a relationship…I was letting someone down easy or chasing after my seasonal fuck boy…they always seem to come and go with a season, don’t they?!? And girlfriend if you’re in that stage there ain’t nothing wrong with it!
I don’t think you need that stage in your life, but I do think you learn a lot about yourself from that stage in my life. I learned people come and people go. People will keep coming and going until you can find the love you want from someone else within yourself.
That’s the irony of it all isn’t it? We search so hard for someone else to fully accept us, but before they can we have to fully accept us. I’m currently in that stage of fully loving myself and accepting myself for who I am. I’ve come a long way over the past decade, ironically is when me and my bestie above met!
I’m currently trying to heal behaviors that no longer serve me, and for the first time in my dating life I’m just doing me. Yes, like I said if Texas walked back into my life full steam ahead I’d be happy, but he’s also my guy at the moment. He’s the one I want. Currently I’m learning to just let that be. To just accept the part of me that wants him so deeply in my life instead of rejecting that part of me because a friend or myself decided ‘he’s no longer any good for me’. Maybe he’ll work out. I sincerely hope he does, but I know if he doesn’t someone else will. And in the meantime I’ve gotten a little better at just accepting me for me and loving me for me right here right now!
So long story short…I’m just trying to be completely honest with myself, and hold grace for my behavior and those of my friends all at the same time. Because we are all out here learning and growing and just trying to be the best we can!
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