I said “I love you” first. In my last relationship, I said those 3 little words that hold so much significance…first. Every other relationship I’ve ever had they were the first to say it if it was said at all. The longest relationship I ever had, we never said it at all.
I was always too afraid to say it first. Mostly I was always too afraid to say it at all. Why was I always afraid? I was always so afraid because once it is said, it can’t be unsaid. It can’t be unheard. It can’t be unfelt. Once you love someone, you can’t unlove them. You either love them forever to some extent, they crush you and the love turns to hate, or you stay in love.
I was so afraid to love anyone because I couldn’t believe someone could love me. I was always afraid they loved the façade of me. The me I was presenting to them to get them to like me, to get them to stay with me, to get them to love me. Once they found out the real me, the jig would be up, and I’d be left. I never wanted to be left. I’ve done a lot of leaving in my life. Leaving is easier than being left.
Truth: I didn’t love me. I didn’t love me, so I couldn’t imagine how someone could possibly love me. All of me. Completely.
I didn’t have that love inside myself. I hadn’t accepted parts of myself. I was still ashamed of my old habits. I was still being someone I didn’t want to be. Doing things, I wasn’t proud of. If this was who I was, how could someone else possibly fully accept me let alone love me?
My last relationship, the Doctor, I loved him. I felt it coming on somewhere between months 4 and 5. I told him. I told him via a text message. I told him how much I cared for him, and while I know it’s soon, I had to tell him “I love you” because I’d wanted to tell him during our last visit and I always chickened out. I don’t remember the exact text I sent him. I remember his exact reply:
“I feel the same about you.”
At the time I was ecstatic for this response. I didn’t even realize at the time he didn’t actually say it back. I was just so excited for a positive response. I was walking on cloud 9 the rest of the day.
It wasn’t until the third or fourth time I said those words to him, and his response remained the same that I even realized he wasn’t saying it back to me. Setting my worry radar off. I asked him about it. He said he truly felt the same way about me but saying those words were hard for him since his divorce. It was hard for him to let that guard down.
I accepted that response. After all, I don’t understand the trauma someone faces from a divorce or the healing that should take place after, since again my longest relationship we didn’t even say “I love you” to one another. Sincerely didn’t feel like I understood. My longest relationship was also only a year and a half, and marriage was never a topic we even breached. Hindsight 20/20 I realize this was a red flag. The lack of healing he possessed from his divorce was a red flag. His inability to communicate his true feelings to me was a red flag.
We broke up roughly a month after I told him I loved him. Everything between us had been going great until I said those words to him. While I realize I am not in his head, and I’m not 100% certain this is what sent him over the edge. I do believe it didn’t help. It may not have sent him over the edge, but it made him realize we were serious. I was serious about this relationship, and he wasn’t ready.
Do I regret saying I loved him? Do I wish I hadn’t opened myself up to him?
Not at all. I have no regrets about telling him how I feel. That’s the funny thing about the whole situation. I never broke first. I never showed up vulnerable to a relationship before him. I always wanted them to show up first. I wanted them to show up the exact way I wasn’t showing up. I wasn’t giving any of my past relationships my all. I was always hiding, protecting my heart in fear of being hurt and broken. In fear of being left.
For the first time in my life, I was the one that showed up openly and was vulnerable to my partner. I was left. My worst fear happened. Yet, this was one of the easiest breakups I ever had. Yes, it was still a breakup and it hurt, but I laid everything out on the table. I showed up the way I wished. I showed up the way I always wanted and want someone to show up for me. I faced my fear. While I didn’t get ultimately what I wanted, I no longer have this fear.
Will saying those 3 little words in my next relationship be tough?
Probably.
Will I say them anyway?
Absolutely! And this time, the challenge will be telling them in person to their face the first time I feel the words bubbling up inside me. Even if it's “too soon.” Because I wouldn’t want someone, I love to go a single day without knowing I love them.
Say what you feel. Tell people how much they mean to you. I promise, the overthinking of what if I had said it…would things be different? Is way worse than the rejection that comes after saying it.
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