When I started this blog 2 and a half years ago, I had some topics I wanted to cover. A major topic are the injustices expectations and rules society expects us to follow. While these rules aren’t set in stone, we rarely allow them to see the light of day. Instead, we tend to hide them away from the light of day because they aren’t acceptable to our society, and thus when we break one of these unspoken rules, we in return feel there is a part of us that is unacceptable for society.
In my blog, I like to speak about the rules I’ve broken. My motto has always been ‘Ask forgiveness not permission.’ A motto my mother can contest to I’ve lived by from a young age. Maybe it’s the wild streak in me, maybe it’s the middle child rebellion. My sister after all already had the spot of the rule follower. I couldn’t make my mom’s life too easy and follow the same path.
However, there is a difference between what I have shared up unto this point, and the new topic I want to bring up. Up unto this point the “rules” I’ve broken for me seemed necessary to maintain my wild. Would I have survived sticking to Marine Science as my chosen profession? Would I have survived settling down, getting married and maybe having a kid, or two running around? Of course, I would have. I would’ve survived. Living that life kind of life, I already had a blueprint from my parents and their parents. Since high school, I’ve dated guys, boys, men who wanted nothing else from me than to settle me down and wipe the wild from my soul. Living that life would’ve made me easier to understand. We all want people to be easily understood. We are all here just trying to understand our time on this planet, and if we fit into the prescribed little boxes already made for us from society, it is much easier to be understood.
Because so many of us have started to fit into said little boxes, some knowingly while others not so much, once we have a desire outside of a box, we have one of two choices. We can either suppress the desire and go on living our lives guilt free or we can fulfill it and hide it away, keeping it as one of our little secrets. While I must admit sometimes our desires should be suppressed. After all we cannot act on everything thing that comes to our mind. However, other desires, the ones that result in us not being a “good girl” or “good boy” in our society, causing no harm outside of breaking a minor unspoken rule, those desires can be fulfilled. Should be fulfilled. Because we should try more things to figure out what is truly meant for us during our time on this wild world.
The topic I want to start discussing is outside of my norm, and I’ve withheld discussing it for a few reasons. One, it makes people uncomfortable. I’ve felt this discomfort in the silence when I’ve breached the subject with close friends or family members. Two, judgement. Judgement from those who read my blog. Listen my wish is not to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and I realize this topic may not be for everyone, but it’s a topic I feel is worth talking about. It’s been on my mind and in my heart to discuss since I started this blog. I’ve shied away from it because I know some of the people, I love dearly who support me by reading each blog that comes out will not enjoy the topic, and it may cause them to think differently of me. Thus, I have kept it to myself. If this topic is not in your ballpark, and you wish to stop reading please do. I will write future blogs not covering such taboo topics and you can support me by reading them. I sincerely appreciate all the support I’ve received by such a range of people, but I can no longer allow my worries of possible judgement stop me from writing what is on my heart. I can no longer sacrifice my own personal discomfort for the comfort of others.
That being said, you have been warned. The topic I want to discuss has been brought on by the recent events in our society with the overturn of Roe v. Wade. I’m sure the majority of you know I’m not a political person. I prefer to steer clear of anything that even resembles politics. Women and the freedom to their bodies should’ve never been politicized. The sexual desires of anyone should not be politicized. The topic I want to discuss is women, sex, and shame.
While I hope this discussion can hit home for more than just us vanilla heterosexual folks, that is who I am speaking to. Why? Because I’m a heterosexual female. I’ve always been a heterosexual female from a young age. I literally had a crush on a boy in Pre-K. He kissed me on the cheek one day for having on a Belle shirt, it was the highlight of my Pre-K days. My days of scandal did not start there, I waited them off until I hit 20, but once they hit. They hit hard. Thus, I do understand the shame heterosexual women carry around when our sexual desires do not align with the masses, but I cannot understand and will not try to understand the experience of any other sexual preferences. Plus, I feel I’ve got enough to go discuss sticking to what I know.
Women, sex, and society.
While America generally is a sexually prude country, let me explain where I come from. The buckle of the bible belt. While I was raised Episcopalian, and we have slightly looser morals than other denominations of the Christian faith, we still believe in the sanctity of marriage. While we have broadened who marriage can apply to, no longer just for a man and a woman, the ideal that the marital bed should be saved for marriage has not changed. For those that didn’t grow up in the church, you gotta wait til marriage to have sex.
Due to the Christian faith within our country, and the inability for us to separate church and state although we love to claim we can, the Christian ideals get placed upon our overarching society. Thus, Christian, or not, to be a “good” member of society there are certain unsaid rules we need to follow. Additionally, there are certain rules only really pressed on the women of our society. We have been so kindly given the responsibility to deny our own biological sexual desires by saying no to all sexual advances of men in our lives. While boys will so fondly be boys, girls cannot be girls. Men make the rules and women are burdened with upholding them.
How is this higher standard kept intact, by none other than ourselves. That’s right, while I have been judged by some men for the number of suitors I’ve entertained in my not to holy marital bed, I felt more judgement from my own kind. Somewhere along the line we have decided there are two numbers okay to have when it comes to women and their number of sexual partners: 0 or 1. Over time my “good girl” friends have expanded on this number by still considering themselves “good” because they can count the number of partners on their two hands and being highly concerned, they will not find “the one” before they run out of fingers. I listen to these conversations, and these judgements women allow society to impress upon them. All while I’m sitting in the corner trying to remember all my one-night stands, and if they are limited to only my two hands. The task would be easier if I could be certain I could recall them all. Alas the woes of the small-town tramp.
It's a cute trick honestly used throughout any patriarchal society. To feel good about ourselves, we set up a standard of rules and if we follow those rules, we can consider ourselves “better” humans than those who do not follow said rules. The better part is no one must govern these rules put into place. We are taught how to follow rules as small children. We are taught right from wrong very young. At this stage the rules are simple, and for the most part should be followed. You don’t want little Johnny poking you with a stick or throwing you down in the sand box so don’t do it to little Johnny. I.e. the golden rule: Do onto others as you would wish they do to you. Regardless of age, race, gender, or religion, if we all stuck to the golden rule a little more the world would be a kinder place.
As we get older the rules, we learn to follow become more opinions of the family, community, society we are raised in. If you aren’t following said rules, you feel shame. Even as a small child shame is a harder feeling to deal with than most. Throughout my life hearing the words that someone I hold in high regard is “disappointed” in me was always harder than them just being mad at me. Getting people to feel shame around the way they choose to live their lives is quiet a clever way to control them. We are simply allowing human psychology to do the regulating; the society does not have to enforce rules. It simply uses the judgement of our peers and the shame we feel for not following the rules to keep us in line. Additionally, if you are caught up in feeling shame, it occupies your thoughts thus leaving less time for growth, creativity, and pleasure. You are too focused on fighting the said desires that stop you from fitting to grow and accept yourself for who you are. Thus, keeping us all a little small.
But alas, I didn’t start this blog to talk about general human psychology. I wanted to write it to confess my struggles. See I grew up in a small town. Within that small town and even once I moved past it, I tended to find myself within a group of people where I was the wild card. My friends unknowingly kept me in line. The main place this has occurred is within my sexual promiscuity. While I managed to keep my good girl façade going until the age of 20, it quickly went downhill after that.
After losing my precious virginity not to anyone special, I realized I liked this sex thing. Unlike many of my friends who struggled with climaxing during intercourse, your girl here had no issue leading me to seek the pleasurable feeling more and more frequently. Due to lack of a single partner to fulfill this desire from, I sought it out from various individuals. Granted I can say I’ve always tried to stick to one partner, because again that’s what you’re supposed to be doing in your 20’s finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with, it didn’t work. At the age of 34, I’ve only had 2 relationships reach the year and a half mark. The majority of them falling off at month 3 or 6 if we ever actually get beyond the lustful beginning stages. Most of my relationships are better characterized as “flings.” By the time I reached my mid-20s, keeping track of my specific number of partners was getting harder and harder each year, and the stories I came home with were entertaining my friends more and more. Leading to the typical girl gab session over Christmas break me rehashing the trials and tribulations of the recent “situationship” I found myself in, and the other supporting actors who may get lucky enough to have a line of two from time to time, but mostly were there for flirtations and ego boosts.
Let me add here, while most of the rest of my friends have followed to two-hand rule, they have never intentionally made me feel ashamed of my sexual prowess. For some reason, my sexual deviance was always accepted. Maybe because I was so willing to share it, and heck it was very entertaining. I was always living in my own little soap opera. As I said though, intentionally. I have felt shame brought on by some of my closest friends. Mainly from them judging random strangers or other friends within the group, and me having the realization ‘she’s judging her for this behavior, but I have this same behavior every other weekend I go out.’ I was in a conversation with one of my friends when I realized this once, and said roughly that exact statement. My friends response was, “Yeah Laura, but that’s you.” I didn’t know how else to take this besides, ‘Yeah Laura, but you’re our little token whore.’ I didn’t press it at the time, and my over analyzation of this statement is for a later date.
Overall, my point here, I was very sexually promiscuous throughout my 20’s. I can say I fully lost count of my specific “number” about a decade ago. Mainly because if I knew for certain, when asked I would feel guilty either not telling the truth or fear of rejection if I did share the actual number. Thus, losing track was a form of protection. Plus, it allows y’all’s imaginations to run wild, and that brings the trickster in me a whole lot of joy. I love people making assumptions about my life.
Why am I telling you this?
Because while I ran wild in my 20’s and into my early 30’s, really until 31 when I finally slowed down by my own choice, I held a whole hell of a lot of shame around my behaviors. I know the number of men I’ve slept with would lead some people to laugh because they’ve done so much worse, and others gasp because they wouldn’t be able to believe my number was so high. I’m somewhere in the middle, where I’ve always been not exactly a Rizzo but not a Sandy either. Regardless, I’ve felt a lot of shame around my own natural sexual desires as I’m sure so many other women have. The shame is what made me write about this topic. Because the funny thing about outing your shame, is it allows people to identify with you. It allows people holding the same type of shame to connect with you. It allows all of us to live a little more by the golden rule.
A major reason I had to out myself, is because there are a slew of blogs I want to write that cannot be understood or talked about without this piece of the puzzle being in place. Thus, maybe it’s selfish on my behalf. Maybe no one will care. Either way, by telling y’all somehow it allows me to accept myself a little more. Writing and sharing my writing is all about me accepting myself a little more as I go through this ride called life.
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