Learning to be Lonely

It's almost 10 p.m. on December 31st, 2022, and I'm all alone.

The night wasn't meant to turn out like this. I was meant to work this evening serving other people dinner. Instead, I made myself dinner after sitting on the couch and writing a blog I'll probably post sometime next week. Then I did the dishes, got ready for bed, and lying in bed writing this post now. I'm literally writing it within the WIX platform instead of Word because I don't trust myself to publish it unless it's wicked easy. This way, it is wicked easy.

Either way, I'm alone. I'm alone on New Year's Eve. One of those days we aren't supposed to be alone, or if we are, it's considered really sad. While initially I was bummed by my change in plans of working and then heading up a few Keys to ring in the new year with one of my island bestie and her boyfriend. It didn't take me long to settle in at home and be grateful to simply be home alone. This is one of the many blessings 2022 has brought me.

Don't get me wrong; there has been a ton of struggle. There is still a ton of struggle. The main word I'm trying to work through is struggle. I'm working on releasing it while I embrace ease into my life. Yet, when you live in a society that trains you to struggle in order to deserve the things you want in this world, it can lead you down a road of feeling undeserving of basic desires simply because you refuse to struggle so hard in life anymore.

Some things have been easy this year. Finding friends, good friends, true friends. Keeping friends. Strengthening friendships. Releasing expectations of how my relationship with my parents should be and accepting the beautiful relationships I have with them individually. How loving and kind so many people are in my life. How grateful I am to have so many loving and kind people in my life. How I set out this year with a goal to survive in Key West, and I've obtained that goal. While life has been a struggle in many ways, there are more little ways my every day is filled with so much joy. I've learned to embrace the now. I'm learning to recognize how wonderful my life is at this moment and be grateful for it.

See, while most may be bummed because of canceled plans or being alone on this special Saturday night, I'm happy to be getting into my own bed early on a Saturday night, so I can lay in bed early on a Sunday morning all by myself. This may be the last year I get to spend a holiday alone. The last time I get to dictate what I do with my time. I have no one and nothing I'm obligated to. While some would see this as lonely, I've fought to find peace and joy within these moments.

If it seems strange to you, I'm unsure how I can explain it. I haven't always been this way. Really up until this year, I was quite awful at being alone. Sure I would get burnt out from the constant go go go mentality of life, but I never really realized the solution was quiet time away from the world. I just kept going because I thought that was where you found your happiness, somewhere out there doing things. For me, this year, I found my happiness in learning to be alone with myself. Learning to say no to friends when they invited me out because I'd rather stay home without the fear of missing out on something or being left out of the group in general.

I've spent the majority of my life begging to belong somewhere. Searching for my place, my group, my people, always moving because something pulled me away from where I was. Something didn't feel exactly right, so I'd try a new place for a little while. All along, I wasn't searching for the right place or the right people to belong to. I always find the right people in the places my heart leads me. I was searching for belonging to myself. I was searching to like me. To listen to myself above all else. To stop my thoughts and actions from being swayed by others.

Maya Angelou once said in an interview, "I belong to myself. I am very proud of that. I am very concerned with how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much."

This year I've learned to belong to myself, not to betray myself for the needs or wants of others. Yes, there are compromises in some things, of course, but overall I try to listen to my own wants and needs above those of others. I'm trying to create boundaries for the person and the life I am creating. For a recovering people pleaser, this is huge! Like Earth shattering...HUGE! The things I've said in order to stand up for myself this year have amazed me. I'm sincerely proud.

I'm excited to see what 2023 brings. I'm excited to get back on my blogging game. Fair warning, my goal is to produce more. I've been stopping myself from posting due to perfectionism. Thus, while some may still be well-thought-out blog posts, others will be like this one. I wrote it, pseudo-edited it along the way, I'll find a pic to put on the cover, and I'm hitting "Publish." Ya, girl has to get on with more writing and less analyzing. Maybe someday in the future, I'll regret this decision, but if it makes me brave now at this moment, I'm sure I'll show grace to the me being brave and showing up right now!

With that...Happy New Year y'all...I'm signing off and going to bed 30 minutes before 2023 hits us all!

Cheers!