I'm not sure how to say this besides simply saying....
I'm back!
The last 2 years have been a roller coaster. Two years ago, I had recently moved to this little chain of islands and had so much hope for what lied ahead. I forgot my main goals here. I forgot why I came. I came to settle somewhere. To build relationships, a community. That's the life I wanted.
Instead, I got caught up in partying a little too much when I first got here. I absorbed myself in the feeling of being "lost." I was lost though. Or at least I was societies definition of lost. Because I no longer have my life mapped out in 5 or 10 year milestones, because the people who "know" say I should be a lot further along than I am, because I'm learning to listen to my own intuition over the voices/opinions of everyone else, I felt lost.
I felt lost, which came with alot of other narratives around me questioning the things that brought me joy. Who am I to tell people how to live their lives? Who am I to give advice on making your own path? Who am I to have an easy, happy life moving forward?
All these thoughts are a little fucked and I realize that now.
But these thoughts are what limited me from sharing. Sharing my current life experiences. Sharing the cool things I do. Sharing the hard times I find myself in no matter how happy I've become. It's stopped me from sharing that I'm happy. Five years ago when I left marine science behind, all I wanted was to be happy. I found happiness.
Yet, I'm afraid to share that because who am I to be happy. I'm not worthy of happiness. I'm not following the predetermined plans to be happy, the ones stamped out to us by society. Thus, I don't have a right to be happy. I'm not worthy to be happy.
But all that is BS anyways. So I'm back. Maybe it's spring bringing this new pep in my step. Maybe it's the start of Aries season. Maybe it's my early birthday excitement. Either way, I'm back to sharing for the sake of sharing my life because when I share open and honestly it hits other people. It helps us all.
Partly it was inspired yesterday when I was scrolling through instagram and came across a message about how we all do certain things to belong, to fit in. Yet what we wanted all along was to be truly authentically ourselves and still be accepted. Rarely are those people, the truly authentic ones, a member of the popular group. I've never been a part of the popular group. Yet I've betrayed many parts of who I am to get there. I've betrayed who I know myself to be in the good graces of others to simply still not be a part of the in crowd.
So it's time to stop. Stop trying to be liked. Stop trying to say the right things to get traction. Stop trying to get friends to help me sell something (I'm ashamed of that person, but I legit did that. I tried to build connections to simply get things from other people.). Stop judging myself for the things I do, and write about them instead. Stop caring about what other people think. Stop letting the opinions of others change who I am.
I'm going to start sharing again. Simply sharing my life, as it's happening. I'm living an unconventional life. A life most can't fathom. I struggle a lot because of my choices to live my life this way, but it's also really really beautiful. I want to share that with you, with the world in some format, and fuck with other people think!
So I'm back! I'm going to start posting my blogs regularly. My goal is once every two weeks. For my own purposes, I may enforce deadlines like every other Monday or Wednesday so I keep my ass on track, but I can't commit to that yet. And lets be honest I've said this before, I've tried this before to get committed to my blog again and it hasn't worked out. It was different then. Then I had an agenda for my words to make me an income. Now my agenda is to share, honestly, openly share in hopes I connect with others.
Talk to you in two weeks!
Hi Larbee! It's always good to read your posts. I can kind of relate to that nomadic wandering through live. I don't have a lot of close friends, I wondered through a lot of acquaintance-ships, but very few relationships. I felt the urge to be in the "cool" crowd, but really, I was just wondering through all those "crowds" as well. Here I am at 65 still in my chosen profession I begin when I was 40. And I have to say that my path to happiness was becoming more comfortable with myself and, and as you said, before, basically not worrying what other people thought of me. So that's been a part of my psyche my entire life. I…