“What if you fail? What is you fly?”
Love, The small voices in your head
They are there aren’t they love? I’ve heard them too. We all have. We all have them.
My question is…when did you start trusting your friends, your family, your society’s voice over your own? When did it start? When did you start being a little less you to be a little more acceptable to them.
I’m not certain when I got the idea to sensor myself, or the idea maybe I was a little too much for some people. I do remember at age 5 I was an extroverted shy kid. Yes, you read that right. I was as extroverted as they came, but I was also one of the first to try and hide behind my parents pant leg. I remember standing outside my kindergarten glass wondering if anyone would like me, hiding behind my dad’s pant leg. I remember being terrified no one would like me. I was 5…5 year old’s don’t know how to be mean. 5 year old’s like anyone who likes what they do…snacks and naps!
But somewhere in there I had learned there might be something about me that wasn’t liked by everyone or my big fear anyone. While I am no psychologist, I’ve reflected on why? I’m assuming before the age of 5 I got the impression I was too much of something. Too much of something someone may not like. Maybe it was as simple as being told to shhhhhh a few too many times. Maybe I was told to behave a few too many times. Maybe it was my sister wanting me to play house while I wanted to play in the dirt with my brother and always bouncing between the two. Maybe it was that I wasn’t a girly girl, but I wasn’t completely a Tom Boy either. Maybe I didn’t know where I fit. If you don’t know where you fit, there is always the option of you not finding others to fit in with.
Regardless, I tried. I tried early to fit in. I wanted to have friends. I wanted people to accept me. I wanted to belong (check out last weeks blog for more info). So, I started listening to others before listening to the little voice inside me and what it was suggesting me to do. By the time I got to High School, I was a fragment of who I truly was. Thus, it’s no surprise I listened to everyone else when they told me I had to pick a profession, but not just any profession…one I needed an advanced education for…one I had to pick based off my strengths everyone had been telling me I had since I was a kid. I am good at Math, you know especially for having a vagina…and I was intrigued by Biology. Which is when I landed on Marine Science. I needed an education, it made me pretty fucking interesting, and well I wanted to live near the ocean anyways!
That was the first real step I took away from myself. That was the first real decision I had to make that was for others. That was the first real decision I had to make based on the options I was given by the society that raised me. I was deciding based off what made them happy with me. What made them feel safe and secure. I don’t blame them. They wanted me to succeed. That was their idea of success. Because of their ideals…no one was giving me real options. The society I came from, you went to college. You got a degree. You worked the rest of your life at a reputable job making middle class money and you were satisfied with that. You were probably supposed to get married and have kids and all that jazz too, but I was way too focused on the career I wasn’t thinking about the guy. Don’t get me wrong there was heart break…but the life goal was a career never was marriage, and babies, and a 2-car garage, and all those other things.
So I did what I was supposed to…I picked a profession. I got the degree. I graduated with honors. I got the internship. I got the job. I went to graduate school. I was crushing the graduate school. I wanted more graduate school. I wanted the PhD. I wanted the post-Doc. I wanted the long hours. I wanted to sacrifice my life for my career.
I wanted all of that. Until I didn’t want that anymore. Until the little voice inside stopped nudging. It stopped being polite. It stopped being okay listening to society. The little voice inside me finally gave up on me. It said I was a goner. The little voice fell silent because it was tired of being ignored and the big person connected to the little voice fell into a depression.
It hid the depression for at least a year by staying busy. By being so involved with finishing graduate school. With so preoccupied with getting into a PhD program. With lifting the weights and eating the right food and studying for the exams and writing the papers and analyzing the date with being everything everyone else was telling the big person to do. That the big person didn’t even realize the little voice was gone.
Until life slowed down. Until life left the big person all alone multiple days in an unknown place with no friends or family for distraction. Until the big person realized they could just sink into their bed for days on end and no one would miss them. Until the big person couldn’t ignore the little voice had gone silent…the little voice had left and the big person had lost their sparkle.
That’s were listening to what society wanted for me instead of listening to what the little voice was interested in got me. It got me lost. It got me scared to trust the only person who truly matters in this world…me!
Since the revelation…since the multiple times lying on my bedroom floor just sitting…maybe thinking…maybe too afraid to think…definitely too afraid to cry because the crying wouldn’t stop. Since all that…I’ve started listening to that little voice. I’ll be honest it wasn’t easy at first. It honestly was damn right hard. If I didn’t have friends and family I have seeing the pain I was going through. Seeing the light in my eyes disappear…loving me through all those hard times. Supporting me through the hard decision to stop chasing the career that was slowly killing my soul. If I didn’t have them…I may still be diligently chasing a career I’d never feel fulfilled at.
See I didn’t trust the little voice again at first…it was so low and soft I wasn’t sure it was coming from me. I wasn’t sure it was me. I second guessed it because it seemed so unsure of itself.
How did I start trusting? I started listening and said okay “what the hell…lets go” Things could be worse. It could be 2017! From 2017, I started listening to the voice.
I followed the little voice when it said go home. When it said move back in with the parents. It knew my parents life would be coming unglued and my unshakable Momma would need me more than I needed her for the first time in my life.
I listened when it said move back to New England. You don’t have to this time, but go. It has something for you. It had my new home. My new people.
I listened when it said “Sell that shampoo…what do you got to lose? $350? We’ve spent more on one pair of boots!” Give it a shot. At very least you’ll have great hair & baby girl you don’t even know what else we will find in that opportunity.
Move to Florida. Work on boats. Just kidding! Not your path. Proceed to starting over! Do not pass go…do not collect $200….this is Life not Monopoly!
Move to New Orleans. Figure it out. Grow that team. Invest in yourself. Get that coach you’ve always wanted. Work this damn business like a boss. This is you. This is who you’re meant to be. You don’t have to know it all now. I will show you. Trust me. Trust the little voice.
That’s the abbreviated version of how I’ve got from 2017 in Lynn, MA to 2020 in New Orleans, LA, and I’ll tell you I didn’t take the fast track. I always liked making life a little more interesting than that…. apparently, my inner voice has a sense of humor. My inner voice knows this stubborn little Aries has an idea in her head she’s gotta truly try it out. Decide it’s not for her before she moves on to whatever plan comes next!
Either way…
Where are you love? Are you listening? Are you growing that inner voice? Are you allowing it to grow you? Are you living a life you love? Are you asking for everything you could ever want? Are you getting everything you ever dreamed? Yes…I mean EVERYTHING!
Think about it…Listen for it! I truly believe you don’t have to hit your form of rock bottom to figure all this out, but you do have to listen and act before the little voice stops trying to be heard. You have to listen before you lose yourself to all of them!
Best one yet!