Over the past 4 years, I’ve battled with an identity of feeling lost, being a wander, floundering in my career choice…in life. Why do I feel this way?
Because for the 12 years prior to the previous 4, I had it fucking figured out. Not only did I have it figured out, my life was falling into place just the way I always thought it would. I wasn’t flounder. I wasn’t wandering. I wasn’t lost. I had found my passion at 17 years old when the pressure was on the decide what to do for the rest of your life, and I had actually hit the lottery! I was the rare one following her dream.
I got praise for it. I was praised not only for the following my career path, I got praised because it wasn’t an easy occupation. It was a thankless occupation. It is an occupation where you are over educated and under paid. But none of that mattered because it was a good cause. You’re following your passion. People look at you highly because you’re doing something they wouldn’t do. They wouldn’t sacrifice a decade of their life to higher education just to enter the work force and fight tooth and nail for grants year in and year out. You’re a martyr. I mean marine biologists aren’t Mother Teresa don’t get my words twisted, but you do sacrifice a lot in your life others wouldn’t dream of doing just for the hope to make a tiny small difference in the world.
I got praise for this. I got praise for being a martyr. I got praise for following my passion. I got praise for not letting money get in the way of following that passion. My ego really fucking loved that praise. Egos do. I built my identity around what my ego enjoyed.
I built my identity around being a Marine Biologist. I built an identity around sacrificing. I built an identity on doing everything in the name of following my passion. I left relationships because they weren’t willing to move with me. I didn’t go on family vacation because I was working. I missed birthdays, holidays, and special events all in the name of science. People admire sacrifice like that. I was proud of myself for my sacrifice. I dug deeper. My identity got more wrapped around sacrificing for my career.
This is why in 2017 when I decided to leave the certainty of a career in marine science behind, I wasn’t just leaving marine biology behind. I was leaving the me I knew up until that point behind. I was leaving the identity of me behind.
Who was I?
What did I like to do?
What’s free time?
I was lost. I was asking so many questions. No one knew who I was outside of marine biology. I didn’t know who I was outside marine biology.
I was floundering. I didn’t like floundering. I wasn’t raised to flounder. I was raised to find a career. Work hard at that career my entire life, and eventually retire from that career. I did this very well. I did it the best out of the 3 children my parents raised. Until I didn’t anymore. Until that plan, that path lead me to not knowing who I was. All I knew was I was miserable.
So yeah, I was lost. I didn’t understand this feeling. This was how you were supposed to feel Sophomore year of college switching majors. Or right after graduating and you’re getting into the work force. You aren’t supposed to feel like this at 30 finishing up your Masters. That’s when you’re supposed to be more certain than ever about your next step. Fuck I was getting a taste of my own medicine. You know how much I judged the flounders in life. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just figure it the fuck out.
Side Note Lesson: Typically when you harshly judge others for a behavior and hold no understanding...Karma will be a real bitch and put you directly in their shoes!
So at 30 I went on a search to figure out what path was next. I had a few thoughts, ventures, yet every time I went down a path for a little while I had anxiety about what if this doesn’t work out either. What if I go another decade down the wrong career path? What do I do then?
The anxiety and the story I created of being “lost”, kept me paralyzed. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust any decision I made. I had gone from someone always so certain to someone terrified of certainty. I was terrified of getting boxed into something I may not love in the future.
I got constant questions from loved ones, disapproval from others, and a whole hell of a lot of self judgement. (Yep, I was still judging the floundering behavior, this time the tables were turned upon me!)
Until 2020 hit. 2020 was a tough year for a lot of people. There was a whole shit ton of uncertainty. The world shut down and no one knew when it would come back.
For me the pandemic hit at a pretty awesome time, I had finally started to embrace the uncertainty in my life. I thrived in 2020. All of the wandering I had done from 2017 until the pandemic hit had prepared me for the unknown. I had been living in the unknown for 3 years and you know what I found out?
I wasn’t lost. I was never lost. I was just finding my next path. I was forging my next way through life. Also, I’m really good at not having a fucking plan. I’m really fucking good at going with the flow. Most people aren’t. 2020 showed us that when people’s lives, routines, jobs get changed and there is no certain end date to when “normal” will be back, most don’t handle it well. Over the past 4 years I’ve had very little routine, scheduled events, or certainty in my life. I enjoy having a life where today I’m sitting on a yacht in Fort Lauderdale, FL and next week I could be in the Bahamas.
I enjoy the uncertainty. I’m really good at making life an adventure. I’m really good at rolling with the punches and getting back up every time I fall down. It took hiring a business coach to figure all this shit out. It took my therapist to point out how amazing I’m doing. It took 2020 for me to realize 2 really amazing things about myself:
I fucking got this! Got what? Not sure, but I'll fucking figure it out along the way. I'm certain in my ability to have my own damn back and figure out my next step.
I was never lost. I was on my way to figuring out my next steps. If I was a GPS, you would've heard "rerouting, rerouting, rerouting."
Life is an adventures. I've always loved adventures. If life is always a new adventure, you can never truly be lost.
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