The past week has been tough. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as the beginning of the week, but overall, there has been a lot of mixed emotions coming up with this move. First and foremost, I’m so tired of moving every year. I sincerely hoped this would be the last move for at least 2 years, yet as soon as I moved into this place, I knew it wasn’t the right place for me. Honestly, I knew before then. I tried to back out. My intuition, my gut was telling me this wasn’t my place here in Key West, it wasn’t my little hidden gem. Yet the roommate I had found, and a good friend down here were pushing me to take it. Telling me it was the best I would find. Was it a good spot, yes. Did I pay way too much for it, yes. Did I ever love it, at times. Thus, I knew I’d be in this position. I knew last year upon moving in, I’d be moving out within a year. Only I sincerely thought I would be moving into my new place, my first solo apartment.
Instead, I’m packing everything up to move home. I have found a peace in this. Yet, in all my moves I’ve made this one I’m the least excited for. This move holds so much uncertainty. I have loose plans. I’d like to be home for a month or two then head out west to visit friends and adventure. Something I’ve been talking about doing for 5 years now, but there was always something holding me back. The timing wasn’t right, my finances weren’t good enough to justify, my job wouldn’t allow an extended vacation. There was always an excuse. If I wanted there would still be excuses, maybe when the time comes it’ll be hard to go because life isn’t perfect for leaving, for adventuring. But I’m going to go.
The main thing that has held me back in my life is never feeling ready enough financially. As if there is some benchmark you should have. Sure, ideally, I’ve heard the rules, don’t leave a job until you have a 6-months to a year to live off comfortably. Yesterday saw an Instagram post by Ramit Sethi saying his number one money rule is to ALWAYS have one year emergency fund in cash sitting around. This is his rule and by no means does he say this is THE #1 RULE for everyone. When reading it, I thought well good for him, but how will I ever get there? There were other rules on his list I would like to adopt, yet sitting here with growing daily debt, I’m not sure how I will achieve it.
One of the hardest things about this move is the debt. It’s scary. It’s scary because I have zero clue how I’m going to get out of it. Last time I was in this much debt, I went back to yachting. I had all my living expenses paid for and was making a nice monthly salary. I also gave up roughly everything I really enjoyed doing in my life for this monthly salary. I traded a year of my life being in an okay situation to get out of debt. Do not get me wrong the people I worked for, and with amazing people. Plus the money was really good. People do that job for a lot less and have it way worse. Yet I learned an important lesson, I’m tired of working for other people.
I’ve been saying it for years now. I’m tired of trading my time, my life for other people’s dream life. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had to in my various professions, but eventually no matter who I’m working for, I simply don’t want to work for someone anymore. I want to be in control of my own time and financial abundance. So, I lied earlier…I do have an idea of what I want to do next. For years, I’ve known. I want to take this blogging seriously and monetize it while growing a life coach business. It’s scary to say that. It’s scary to admit that’s what I really want, because I sincerely want it so badly that I’m afraid at “failing” at it as well. I’ve been afraid to say it out load to almost anyone because of fear above, and because I’ve heard the judgement people get for being a life coach. I know the skepticisms, the back handed comments thrown around behind people’s backs when they leave their “secure” job for such a random profession.
I’m afraid of those comments being made about me. I’m afraid of the judgement others will say. “Who is she to help anyone in life, look at hers? She doesn’t even have it anywhere close to together.” And that’s true, I don’t.
I doubt I’ll ever get to a point where I feel like I have it all together. When you are someone like me, someone always searching, learning, playing with ways to improve yourself, there will always be something that could use some tweaking. This is the main reason I know I’d be a fantastic life coach (yes, I still slightly twinge when I say that because of the stigma, but I know it’s my next thing to try so I gotta start saying it.).
There is no doubt in today’s world no matter how successful you are, how far you feel you’ve come, people are still lost. They are lost searching for what will make them feel whole, and this leaves them feeling lonely. I went through this firsthand, when everything I had worked towards in my 20’s was finally coming to me, and yet I was at my lowest point I’d ever been. I felt lost and I felt extremely lonely. I felt as though everyone around me had it figured out. I turned to all my old vices, mainly booze and boys. I was looking for everything outside of me to save me once again. If I could only be lovable to one person, maybe I could be loveable to me.
I realized early into my 30’s that’s not the way it all works. Looking for love in people, things outside of yourself isn’t how you find yourself, it’s not how you become less lonely. So, I got to work down a path of personal development. It’s lead me to make 5 different moves and 4 different career changes since leaving marine science behind. There are parts of me that hold shame around this. Leave me asking myself, “Why can’t I just pick something and stay?” “Why can’t I just be content in a profession like everyone else?” “Why can’t I just find something to make money at for a time while I work towards my other goals?” “Why can’t I follow the playbook?”
For most of these questions, the answer is I’m honestly not sure. All I know is I’ve tried. I sincerely dedicated a decade of my life to trying. Then I tried for multiple years after at different professions, and every time I try it didn’t work out. Something inside of me tells me to leave. My mental or physical state starts suffering. I slip into a slight depression. And the fear of falling back into the whole I was in after graduate school makes me leave.
Thus, I’m giving up on trying to play by everyone else’s rule books. I’m giving up on the conventional life of things. Not saying my life has really looked all that conventional, but I swear I’ve been trying over the past 15 years to follow some sort of conventional path. Not anymore. It’s time for me to be as brave as everyone else tells me I am and live a life that shocks even me.
This is why I’d make a good life coach. Rather you want to completely switch up your entire life, or simply become more active, I can help you. I can work with you. It’s not that you can’t do it alone, I know you could, we all can do it alone. But as the famous quote says…
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
I want to go far. I want to get out of this life as much as possible. Doing so involves other people to take this journey with me. I want to take this journey with other people.
Summary, the reason why this move feels so hard is because it’s finally time to really push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it yet, or what it’s going to look like. I’ve ran out of a play book. But stay toned…it should be fun. Overall…you’re going to be getting more of these random, Laura processing thoughts and oversharing posts. Hope you enjoy them!
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