Quo the 90's country except I ain't looking for no man currently. Yep, that's right folks this little lady is single & loving it! I used to wonder who would really try to be single. Why would anyone want that? How would you find your Prince Charming that way? Doesn't everyone want to grow up and get married? And I was raised as a Southern Belle by my father…so that wasn't marriage at any age. Marriage is meant to happen in your 20's, early preferably.
Soooooo growing up that was one message I was getting. Other message being in the realm of Marine Science:
"You're young focus on your career. You'll have plenty of time to settle down and make babies."
Literally a conversation I've had with all my advisors throughout my life. Did I mention all my advisors have been 40+ males? Not exactly the most appropriate conversation to be having with your female student, but at the time I took it as they saw potential in me. They wanted me to succeed and they had seen plenty of other female students not reach their full potential because well Marine Science kinda makes you chose…Life or Career. Hardly ever both can be balanced well.
Thus, the majority of my 20s were spent progressing my career. Don't get me wrong there was typically always guy drama mixed in. Typically, I was almost always chasing after someone, dating someone, or settling for someone for the attention. I had 2 promising relationships in my 20s that lasted more than 6 months. Both with men pretty well established where I found them, loving the life they had created for themselves, and just looking for someone to join them. Both amazing guys. Both catching me at a time in my life where my next move would be based around the desired school I wanted to attend. Needless to say after the conversations were had, neither relationship worked out.
Which was okay. I was sacrificing one aspect of my life for another. I was chasing the career opportunity with the mentality…. plenty of fish in the sea… plenty of time for a relationship and babies… right?!? That's what they had all told me. While, perfect career moves aren't a dime a dozen.
This was half of the problem…. the other half…I have some pretty sturdy walls built around my heart to ensure I never settle into an unhappy marriage. This fear has lead me to some pretty fun commitment issues
For the last 15 years, I was great at always seemingly being in a relationship or some form of a situationships. Oh what's a situationship you ask?!? Easily defined at least for me I usually find myself in 1 of 3 types of situationships:
It's your typical 1-3 month relationship where you think y'all are like "together together" but then the first fight happens and magically you aren't together anymore
That guy who texts maybe calls, wants to see you, hangs out with you every few weeks because somehow that's as often as your schedules align, you have an amazing connection, sex is WOW, but then you mention getting to know him a little more, spending some more time together like chatting….doing something they would like to do. For me typically, I'd suggest going fishing with said guy. He comes back with "Listen Laura you're great. I love being around you. We always have a good time and you're super chill, but I'm just not looking for anything serious right now." Two weeks later he's posting on Insta with some other chick taking her fishing.
I start seeing this guy, typically after a breakup. I tell him my intentions of not looking for anything serious. Just keeping it light and fun because I just got out of a relationship. Everything is going great for week…maybe months. Then the next thing you know he's leaving "I love you" notes on your car or writing you poems. And you fucked because whelp you ain't got the same type of feels….
You ever been in a situationship lovely?!? Or maybe your situationships look different, but those seem to be the three most common ones I get myself in to during my 20's and if I'm honest my 30's as well up till this point.
So here I was either in a relationship or situationship, spinning my wheels without much change in my relationship status. Mainly not making progress getting me to the desired spot of in a happy healthy relationship with someone I really truly cared for and they really truly cared for me. I identified this dilemma sometime last Fall while dating Texas. Things with him were getting well…weird. We were at this point where we both wanted to see each other but the stars were just not aligning for us to do so. I took it out on him saying he didn't really want to see me, and he blamed it on my yachting schedule making it too difficult to actually plan a visit together.
Somewhere in September I had decided for myself that if Texas and I didn't work out I was taking myself off the market for a little while. I was breaking the vicious cycle I had been repeating throughout the last 15 years of my dating life, and I was taking some real-time figuring me out for myself.
Ladies and gents that's exactly what I've been doing, and I can honestly say it was the best decision I've made it quite some time. I knew I had a lot of energy wrapped up in dating…but y'all seriously I never understood how much until now. It's been wonderful. All that thinking/worrying I had about what were they doing…what did this mean…did they care for me as much as I cared for them…did they care for me more than I cared for them….seriously this goes on… it was just a lot! And after 15 years I am so happy I have taken this time to figure me out. Figure out what I truly like to do, who I truly want to spend my time with, not based on some guy or some career…but for me!
The biggest lesson I've been learning through all of this…I need to be able to love me for me. I need to find the love I want from others within myself. I know how cliché this sounds and all, but seriously for me this time to truly love myself has been a game-changer for my mental health and happiness. I'm learning all kinds of little things about myself…
~ Why I react to certain things in certain ways
~ Who I want to spend quality time with
~ What truly matters to me in my life
~ How I can show love to those I love in my life now, etc.
So for now this is what I've got going on…32 and single! I said it last week if Texas magically comes back in my life, I'd be here to figure that all out. But this time I'd be doing it with more confidence, self-worth, and self-love. Until then or until I'm fully over him and ready to move on to someone else…I'll be sitting here chilling, doing all the self-development, and figuring out the best ways to make me happy for me!
Main Lessons here:
1. Girl love your freaking self-first! Like, be excited every day to wake up and love yourself for you!
2. If you're 32 and single or 22 and single….or 42 and single boo you got time. Enjoy where you are right now. Do all the things you want to do while the only person you got to worry about is you!
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