Hey there, boo! So I don't know about you, but I'm basically the world's worst when it comes to taking a break. I find myself with the constant need to be getting things done. For real, I have more hobbies than I know what to do with, and for some reason, I take them all as seriously as I take my job. Maybe some I take even more seriously than I take my current work.
The funny thing about it all, I still feel this need in this year of all years—the year where the entire Universe is forcing us to take a giant chill pill. In the spring of 2020, with the onset of the COVID pandemic, everyone was forced to slow down and take the long-desired quality time with family we always wish we had. Myself, I did go home and chilled for a little while, like 5 days. That's a "while," right? Even though I was "chilling," I didn't just kick back and watch reruns of Sex in the City every day with my bestie; that was only a Tuesday night activity.
No instead, I signed up for an online course focusing on changing your current mindset of yourself. I started this blog, and I jumped in to do some real work on my side hustle. I'm a pro at keeping myself busy. I truly am. This mentality comes with a price, though, because no matter how much I get done, I can always find more things to tackle.
You know the constant battle of "Am I doing enough? There's something more I could do, right?"
You know the constant struggle between justifying your worth and burn out. That was my MO for so long in my life, and while I was in marine science, not only was I rewarded for this behavior, it was expected. Burnout was the only way to get ahead in your career because, let's be real, no matter what you did, someone else was doing more than you, faster than you, longer than you. There was always room for improvement. Once you set a goal, it was rarely reached before the bar was just set higher. It was genuinely frustrating, and one of the reasons I left.
For me, the burn out was so real, and it led to me becoming a highly competitive person who felt as though I was never receiving the recognition I deserved. Yet with a voice in the back of my mind saying, 'But do you truly deserve that recognition. Did you truly do enough?'
Why am I telling you that? Because there are still parts of me that have to justify why I left. There are still parts of me that want to go back. Why? Because it is so much easier to explain to anyone that you're a marine biologist. When you have a defined career, you fit into a nice societal box. Trying to describe to people what I do now is a guessing game of confusion on their faces. It's not a quick and easy description, plus the uncertainty that comes along with the life I live has most people baffled why I would leave my career field of marine science behind for all this uncertainty.
Simple answer, this uncertainty makes me happy. Marine science stole my happiness.
This post is not a rant about marine science, though, or my life choices.
Well, okay, maybe some about my life choices, because this is a lifestyle blog. I get to write about my lifestyle, and that is why you read it. I had a real revelation this past week with my life that my business coach pointed out. It took a hurricane and losing power for 3 days for me to justify taking a break. That's right. I created this lifestyle where I wanted to get away from hustle culture's societal and professional pressures to fall away. Yet, I find myself 3 years later giving myself guilt trips about my work. I find myself not taking downtime. I find myself saying I need to do that one more thing before I can rest and relax. Just one more thing. Whatever the one more thing is. I literally procrastinate relaxing.
Flipside, I justify my relaxing by also doing something "productive." 'Oh, I'll sit on the couch, and I'll create content while I watch the movie.' That way, I feel like I'm doing something and not "wasting my time," just relaxing.
Do you think anyone else cares if I take a chill pill and relax? Do you think any of my clients miss me for that hour or two? Do you also struggle with this perpetual struggle?
Some may blame it on my long career in Academia, where this behavior would give me an edge like I mentioned above. But this is the same culture I wished to live behind. Thus, why is it so hard to break the habit of the constant need for production?
My 2 thoughts on the matter, we are trained to think this way, and we are modeled this behavior from an early age. Think about it, since we start grade school, we were taught to be good little boys and girls. What did good little boys and girls do? They work hard. They make good grades. They work hard for those good grades. They get rewarded the most when they work the hardest to make the best grades. What did we see our parents doing during that same time period? They worked hard. They put in 8 hours at their 9-5. They came home took care of us. They made dinner. They gave us baths. They put us to bed. Maybe they relaxed after bedtime, but we didn't see this side of things. All we saw was our parents working hard to keep us alive, or maybe we had parents who frequently brought their work home with them or decided to go back to school, putting an extra nightly workload on them. Regardless, we were taught and modeled that being hard daily workers was expected. We were taught and modeled relaxing was for vacation, not for the day to day, week to week moments in life.
The hustle harder behaviors are only encouraged as we get older, further along in grade school, and then in our careers. We merely take a break at the annual prescribed time to do so, vacation. I'm not good at living life this way. I get cranky and overwhelmed. I hinder so much of my progression because I get stuck between overwhelm and a guilt trip.
I know this about myself. I've been working on this mindset matter for a few months now. When a global shut down didn't stop me in my tracks, the Universe sent me a hurricane. Not a major one. The Universe didn't want to send that big of a message, but a little one to send the message' Girl enjoy some impromptu downtime.'
While Thursday was still full of hustle while at my nannying job, Friday, I relaxed. I went to lunch with my roommate, went to a PM gym class, had dinner with one of my favorite ladies, and then Saturday, the downtime just continued…gym, brunch, shopping (yes, I bought fishnets and a sequin dress!) and Halloween festivities. Seriously it was a good few days. I enjoyed quality time with people I genuinely care for and, more importantly, laughed with people I love. Sunday, a few guilty thoughts crept in by the evening, but even Sunday held some essential life productivity…you know, laundry, grocery shopping. I enjoyed my life over those few days because, in reality, that's all I was able to do without power for 3 days. Sure, I could've worked on my book some, created content, reached out here and there, but overall there is only so much you can do with your phone battery when you may need it for an actual emergency!
So what did I learn…I need to take a chill pill more often. Maybe not for 2 straight days, but maybe? If that's what I need, why not?!? If it puts a massive smile on my face and makes me belly laugh for the first time in months…maybe that's precisely what the doctor ordered to get me from guilt trips to a joyful life?!?
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