Growing up, I was spoiled. Not the "I had everything I could ever want and more" spoiled, but I did always have everything I could ever need. We went on a family vacation once a year to the beach and Disney World every other year. I wish we had been a little more adventurous with our family vacations now that I'm grown, but life was truly magical in the moments we were there.
Our parents always told us they wanted the best for us, and their actions matched their words. All they asked of us was to always do our best in anything we did, and they continually told us we could be whatever we wanted in life as long as we were happy.
Do you see it? Do you see the lie?
My parents always told us they didn't care what we did in our lives as long as we were HAPPY. That's it, that's all they ever wanted for us. A straightforward request most parents tell their children, and few parents actually mean it.
Think about it. What would make you the HAPPIEST in your life today? Right now?
I guarantee you the majority of you aren't daydreaming about being in an office behind a desk, or on hour 10 of a 12-hour shift at a hospital, or cleaning teeth for the 5th year in a row.
I bet your mind wonders to daydreams of tropical beaches, ski slopes, merely spending time with the ones you love, or doing that "hobby" you love so much full time. Actually, supporting yourself by doing the things that light you up—having the things in your life that bring you utter joy and happiness regularly.
Our parents don't teach us how to live our lives in real joy and happiness. Unfortunately, the truth is somewhere along the line, they settled for safety and security over a truly happy and joyful life. I'm not blaming your parents; I'm not blaming my parents. Wanting your children to be safe and secure is a basic human instinct, especially for Momma's out there. No matter how nurturing your mother is or not, she will always be the first one by your side, or at least my Momma always has been.
What parents should tell you is…you can do or be whatever you want as long as you and your future is safe and secure. What does a safe and secure look like?
- Bills Paid
- Food on the Table
- Car in the driveway
- Investments
- 401K
- Paid time off
- An "Oh Shit" fund
Those are the things your parents really want. Partly because they are selfish. Once you have achieved those things, they can rest a little easier knowing you're taken care of. They have done their job as parents, and they have done it well. They can easily explain to all their friends what you're doing with your life. Partly it's because this was the dream they were raised to dream. We teach our children what we know, and if what your parents know is always working a secure job at a 9-5, guess what lesson they will pass on to you: Working a safe position at a 9-5. It is safe. It is secure. It is the goal.
Only issue, what makes our parents happy, and what makes our heart happy don't always align. Some of us live a life happily and contently that is very similar to our parents. On the other hand, no matter how hard we try or how long we try, some of us will never fit into the conventional mold given to us by our parents and society. We will try. We will try our damnedest because we want to be "good little boys and little girls," but the reality is that it hurts our souls. It kills our inner wonder and fun and play, and it makes our outer world something we don't recognize.
It's how we wake up at 40 in the same town as our parents with a similar job and similar income, wondering where our dreams escaped to. Did they get lost somewhere in the pep rally's of high school? Forgotten in the parties from college to blow? Or did they give up on us after working tirelessly for 5 years our Law Firm making everyone else very proud of us?
For me, my dreams were lost early. Honestly, I'm not sure I had defined dreams when I was a kid. If you asked me what I wanted to do, at one point, I would've told you I wanted to be a movie star because I liked playing dress-up. At another point, I would've said be a vet because I liked playing with animals. I think an aspiration here or thereof being the star on the sports team occurred, but overall I didn't have a defined goal or dream when I was tiny. Which is funny because when I was a practicing marine science and I was asked what I did for a living, more often than not, the response to my career choice was:
"OMG! I wanted to do that when I was little!"
Mostly small children pick being marine scientists because they think they will get to play with dolphins every day. Fun fact, I don't care for dolphins. Thus, I didn't pick being a marine scientist at a young age. I didn't choose this career, any career, until I was told I had to decide at the age of 17 that would shape the remainder of my life. I remember this thought stressed me out.
Most everyone told me to be a nurse because I was smart, good at science and math, and very caring.
Side rant: Still offends me to this day. They didn't suggest I be a doctor…all those skills add up to a good doctor as well, but you know the vagina automatically puts you into a nursing slot.
I don't know how I knew at 17, but I knew I couldn't be a nurse. I would live a life getting way too attached to all my patients or get complaints about the terrible face I made towards a patient when asked a "simple question." I've always had a good inner knowing of the things I don't want to do. I knew at 17 I didn't want to work in a traditional office or as a teacher. A part of me has always known I need my freedom, and all those jobs are highly demanding of your time and energy while adhering to someone else's schedule for your day. I grew up with a workaholic mother, and I didn't want to spend my life in the same way. I wanted to love what I did, so it never felt like work for a day in my life.
With that in mind, I enjoyed biology and loved the ocean. I thought being a marine scientist was a perfect fit. I would always live near the sea. I would get to play all day in the water or on boats. I would be a scientist. Granted, they aren't rich, but they can make it all work out. The way I envisioned my career going was one long extended vacation. Plus, this career path involved going to college. All the career paths I was offered involved going to college. Going the college route was what my family knew. It was what was expected. It was never a question if I'd go, more just where I'd go and for what.
I am very grateful my parents not only expected me to go to college, but they also knew the ropes; thus, it was an easy option. Additionally, they supported me throughout college by not only paying for all my education. They also paid for my living expenses throughout my college career. I realize how big of a blessing this is when almost everyone I know my age and younger has student loans from obtaining their undergraduate degrees.
My parents were well equipped to set me up for a life of security. Thus, a life of safety. They were doing everything parents were supposed to do. My parents went above and beyond the parental duties. They not only guided me towards a successful path in life; they paved the way for it and modeled it for me growing up.
So you may be thinking…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? YOU HAD IT MADE GIRLFRIEND!
And you're right, I did. My parents honestly tried their best, and if I had stayed on the path I outlined for myself at 17, I'm sure right now, at this moment, I'd be well into my second year of my Ph.D. program. Studying for my comps (big scary tests where you have to prove your knowledge to your advisory board). Editing through my dissertation proposal on either tuna or billfish fisheries management. While still trying to convince myself, this truly was the dream I wanted to live. While still trying to tell myself, this is a miserable time for everyone. It's not just me. It's something you have to get through like a rite of passage. While still denying, I was suffering from depression for the 4th straight year in a row because you know I was still a functioning adult. I wasn't laid up in bed all the time crying…that was just on the awful days. Still trying to tell myself it would all be worth it in the end…this was always what I wanted…this was still my dream…my life would be really fucking good someday!
I would still be waiting to be happy…someday. But not today. Not this year. Not in the next 3 years while getting my Ph.D. Earning your Ph.D. wasn't supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be hard work. It was supposed to be stressful and make you question humanity. That's the lie some of us believe. We are working to be happy someday in the future, not today. Today we have to work hard to be happy someday.
That's the biggest lie that I bought for over a decade of my life. If I just worked hard enough in my 20s, my 30s, my 40s….maybe then I could enjoy my life in my 50s, 60s, and 70s? That's the dream, right? If we hope to have everything our parents have… that's the dream we are working towards.
The only catch is, no matter how safe and secure we feel. No matter how much we try to plan out our futures. We are never guaranteed it…we aren't guaranteed our 50s, 60s, 70s. Hell, we aren't guaranteed any day past the present one we live in right now. Thus, if you aren't happy while working toward your goal today, I can almost guarantee you won't be satisfied with getting your goal in the future. Because love, there will always be another goal to work towards to make you feel as though your future is safer, more secure.
So, while I agree, you need to find a way to pay your bills and support yourself as part of a happy life. Finding a way to support the life you truly want to live can look a lot different than what you were trained to envision. Believe me, I never imagined being a caregiver/entrepreneur/writer at 32…I'm pretty sure 17-year-old Laura wouldn't recognize me now and maybe even of judged me pretty hard. But that's okay 17-year-old Laura wasn't happy, and 32-year-old Laura is.
So, ask yourself if you are truly happy, and if you're not, don't be afraid to make a U-turn down your paved path to fall in love with your life.
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