This is the Work...

I wanted to show up this week and tell you about the newest thing I’ve added to doing the work. I’ll briefly mention it here, but with everything else going on in my mind I can’t write an entire blog about it. The program is called the Pathway. It was developed by Lacy Phillips, and it’s fantastic. It’s a mix of guided meditations or hypnoses with journal prompting. I really enjoy it because it helps you work through your general shit on a daily basis by following the suggested workshops, but it also has ways to support you when you are going through something tough. You should 100% check it out if that resonates with you. If you have any question PLEASE send me an email!

However this week I'm not going to rant about that because this week I’m going through something tough.

Remember the amazing relationship I was gloating about just last week. Well over the past 3 days it has taken a dramatic turn and isn’t so amazing anymore. Nothing happened between us. We didn’t have some kind of blow out fight. Neither of us cheated. Over the past month we had literally been talking about plans of me moving to where he lives once my season is over.

I thought everything was on track. We had been having some hard conversations lately, but it was the most honest and open communication I had ever had in one of my relationships. It truly felt amazing. We still felt amazing.

Until Friday when communicating with me became to much for him. I know what you’re thinking will some women can be very demanding on your time. Constantly texting or calling you all day to the point you can’t get anything done. I’m not some women. I have a job too. I can pseudo multitask at by talking on the phone, but I realize that is a unique situation and I don’t try to call my friends with normal 9-5 jobs. I call my friends I know are free. While texting throughout the day used to be more common at first, now I send a nice miss you text or something maybe once a day and he says something back. Sometimes he doesn’t and it doesn’t get to me in the slightest because he’s a doctor and could literally be doing surgery on someone.

Communication became too much for him on Friday and he barely spoke to me on Saturday as well outside of me texting him. Yes guys, it matters if we are the ones having to text first always. It’s a sign I don’t give a fuck what you say. Sunday, after not hearing from him (which isn’t normal…most of the time I wake up to a good morning text from him) by 9:30, I called him. He apologized for the day before and said we could talk later but he had to go get his boat out of the water before the storms hit.

I waited. By noon I sent him a text asking if we could chat because being in limbo over the past 2 days isn’t far to me, and I want to get some kind of answers and hopefully get on with my day. He called me within 5 minutes.

It was a long conversation. Somethings we had talked about. Somethings he had mentioned. But none of it had seemed like a big deal. Most of it has to do with his past. Most of it has to do with the fact he barely met his basic needs over the past week, and he was flat out exhausted.

None of it had to do with me. He repetitively told me how wonderful I am. How beautiful, cheerful, understanding, and amazing I am. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty great. I make an effort to talk, to communicate, to be open and honest about me. I know this has nothing to do with who I am. I always showed up openly honestly and 100% myself. Which is a huge huge step forward for me in a relationship. Normally, I hide at least some part of myself. There’s always some part of my past or present that can be tough for them to handle. While I’m not ashamed of any of me, I dim those parts of me or hide them completely. To make myself someone they would want. I didn’t do that with him, and he accepted me for all of me. That is truly the one blessing that has come out of all of this. I’ve learned I can fully show up as me and be accepted as me by a romantic partner.

What sucks, you can have that. You can be happier than you ever thought possible. The relationship could be easier than you ever imagined, and yet, it doesn’t work. Or maybe we still will work, but this right here right now still feels like hell. It still hurts to know you care so deeply for someone, 100% chose them no questions asked, and they have their doubts. He has his hypotheticals of how we wouldn’t work out, how asking me to move to SC is selfish and is putting a lot of pressure on the relationship. How he doesn’t want to hurt me and that’s all part of it. He’s living in his head from his past experiences. I can’t help that. I can’t change that. I can’t fix that.

I don’t know where this will go. I don’t know if him and I will continue on, or if this will be the end to our relationship together. I do know I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown a lot from this relationship. I know no matter what I’ll be happy. I am happy. I know no matter what I love him, and I always will because he proved to me, I can be accepted for me.

I’m sharing this rawness with you, because I think it’s important to know ladies sometimes honestly it has nothing to do with you. It completely is them. They can’t show up for you, or they don’t know how, or they are too scared to open up again. This is not your fault. This means nothing towards your worth. Your worth should never be defined by a relationship. You should have it on your own. But it can still hurt. You will still be sad.

I’ve had relationships end for terrible reasons, in terrible ways. I’m not sure what hurts worse. I do know it all hurts. None of it is easy, but this is the price we pay to open our hearts to be loved by someone else. We have to do this until we find the heart that can love and grow with our wildest hopes, dreams, and future!

I still whole heartedly believe that!

P.S. Yes this is part of the work too! I guess I didn’t false advertise! XO