To the Women I Love...

To the women I love…

My heart has been breaking.

My heart has been breaking from our shared conversations.

Stories…beliefs…we’ve held for far too long.

Heavy beliefs.

I must give far more than I receive.

I must give all of me to receive love in return.

We are just friends. I’m not pretty enough for them to date.

I’m just pretty. They wouldn’t want to be friends.

I’m smart. I’m not the pretty one. That one is my sister.

Lies we’ve been led to believe for years.

Lies that have shaped our relationships for years.

I believe them too.

Where do you think they started?

Realizing my lies, stories, beliefs doesn’t change my perspective.

Loving gorgeous, wonderful, intelligent women

And hearing their limiting beliefs of themselves.

That breaks my heart.

My heart breaks because our opinions of ourselves don’t matter.

Their opinions have formed our beliefs about ourselves.

Who were they?

Our fathers, our family, our first crush, or last crush…

Where did they come from?

Why does it hurt me so bad to hear other opinions?

Yet belittle my own.

Why do I still believe in the lies I’ve learned?

Why can I only see my own pain through the stories of others?

Why does it take the pain to realize pain?

Why doesn’t my own story matter?

When will I learn my story matters the most for me?

I wrote the above poem; I’m not saying it’s any good. I wrote it because the topic is simple. It’s so well known by women and the people who love us. It’s a tale as old as time. We see ourselves as a Beast when, in reality, we are Beauties.

I know I’m not alone in my belief. I know I’m not the only girl who has had every single boyfriend convincing me how beautiful I am. How special I am. How amazing I am. When all I see is someone not that special. Someone ordinary. I know I am not alone through the words and stories I’ve picked up throughout my life from little comments made by some of the most beautiful, intelligent women I love and admire. Literally, some of these women have only recently become my good friends, and I’ve admired them from afar for years…one a decade.

Maybe that makes me a creep, but she was so cool and beautiful, and I was envious of her life. I was jealous of her. Again, I know I am not the only one that has abused social media to perpetuate the comparison game. Others open the apps as well to only be flooded with thoughts like:

Wow…she’s got it all together. Career, friends, looks, the man…everything.

God, she’s so smart. I wish I could be that smart & put together.

Man, she fights so hard. Fights demons I have never faced.

She’s killing it. Checking all those boxes & I’m over here still figuring my damn self out at 32.

All judgmental thoughts. All thoughts of comparison. How social media allows these thoughts to run ramped these days. How easy it is for comparison to be with every swipe. We see it. We witness it. We know we do it. We know it doesn’t make us feel good. It doesn’t bring us joy or happiness, yet we continue.

I have the addiction—the not enough, never enough syndrome.

I recognized it 3 years ago and have been working to change it ever since. But this one, ladies…it’s a real bitch to overcome for sure!

I’ve done little things to overcome the nagging voices inside whispering, ‘It’s not enough, love.’ I’m not doing it right. I could be doing more. Ignore all the accomplishments I’ve made on this day, this week, this month, this year…it is not enough. I also wasted time laughing or enjoying a friends company where I could’ve been reading, working out, or helping others…there were so many missed opportunities to be more than I am already being.

I’ve tried to set these voices to rest by ignoring them. By not listening to every little flaw, I can find in the mirror. Doing the right things for my body, eating right, working out, self-help books, spiritual books, etc. All the things. I’ve tried all the things to make myself stop focusing on all the things wrong with me and exchange them for all the good. I have tried to do this all for myself.

Then one week, I had two very similar conversations with friends about how they viewed themselves, their bodies, and their intellect. These are women I’ve admired for years in all areas. I’ve always seen them as completely beautiful, starting on the inside and spilling out to the outside. Also, they are both brilliant with advanced degrees within their given scientific professions. Yet, here they were stating the exact same insecurities as myself. Here they were telling me similar negative beliefs on how they were not good enough for X, Y, or Z. How they have never felt as though they had their life together. How they were hopeful and pseudo hopeless in finding people to love them fully for who they are…not for some imagine they portray.

It broke my damn heart. It was like holding a mirror to my inner truths. I DO THIS. I convince myself of all the ways I don’t stack up or compare to other women. If I’m not comparing my looks, I’m comparing my intelligence or independent nature. I search for all the ways I don’t compare…all the ways I’m unlovable. I find all the ways I’m not perfect.

I belittle my Marine Science accomplishments because… ‘they don’t matter now that I left.’

I ignore how easily I connect with anyone because… ‘That’s not special anyone can do it.’

I bat away the compliments looking 25 at 32because... ‘Well, thank you, but these wrinkles jeez!’

I don’t celebrate how strong and healthy my body is because… ‘I gained 15 lbs last year.’

We DENY our greatness over a few wrinkles and 15 lbs!!!

Guys gain 30 lbs, call it a Dad Bod, and now it’s sexy! MINDBLOWN!

This was when I realized if I wanted this to change. If I wanted my friends to start seeing the beauty in their own damn self, I had to start seeing my own! I have to acknowledge all the things I have to offer. I have to recognize how amazing I am as a person. I have to really start loving myself to help my fellow women start doing the same.

I can’t preach to these women about how magnificent they are if I do not believe in my own magnificence! I can’t expect these women to be dope AF if I don’t begin to see my own inner dopiness…it’s a word, look it up! I can’t sit here and honestly raise them up with all their perfect imperfections if I am silently in the corner, denying my own!

That’s not the way this works. We can’t genuinely recognize someone else's true beauty until we have not seen and named that same beauty within ourselves. We are all beautiful from the inside out!

I am genuinely committing to this journey. I am fully committing to my self-love journey not only for my own inner being, acceptance, and worthiness. I am fully committing, so I am not a fraud when I reveal your own to you. When I tell you how truly amazing you are as a human, I know with all certainty I am showing up with true wholehearted words of how I view you, myself, and this world.

Thank you, ladies! Thank you for breaking my heart with your shared self-reflection. Thank you for showing me my own shortcomings through your own thoughts about yourself. If it weren’t for you, this lesson would’ve taken even longer than it already has! All my love, love!