Disclaimer: in the name of production...this was written and posted quickly. If there are grammar mistakes, sentences that don't make sense, these are the imperfections of my life. I love writing. I'm also dyslexic and have been told my entire life I'm not good enough to be in the writing space. So instead of over analyzing and trying for perfection, I'm simply producing something from my heart to share and share quickly before the perfectionist in me tries to talk me out of it. Hopefully it helps!
Where we at friends?
How we doing?
Personally, I’ve been all over the place trying to keep my head above water. Overall I’m managing the overwhelm of life way better than I ever have. Especially considering it feels like life is more uncertain than it’s ever been. Maybe the feeling comes from a lack of a plan. I’ve always been the friend with a plan. Plans bring me comfort. If you have a plan, you’re not lost because you have a plan.
I’ve given up on plans. Plans haven’t really worked out for me this far in life. My first plan resulted in the rock bottom of emotional and physical health. Then the plan that got me out of that life, simply resulted in “Well fuck this isn’t for me either.”
There are parts of me that are now afraid to plan. Afraid to try. To grow towards a goal because I’m afraid to keep failing. My other two plans didn’t “fail” I achieved both the goals I set for them, but I realized it wasn’t what I actually wanted to do with my life.
Leaving me now, slightly pissed off. Annoyed because I did as I was told, I created a plan. I followed the plan. No one tells you what to do when the plan doesn’t work out.
Friends, family have called me brave for redirecting me efforts. For completely changing my life up every time it doesn’t suit me. But let me tell you it’s pretty lonely here, when you’re this brave. This different. When people are impressed by you, but simply cannot understand what drives you in the slightest.
And friends, I’m tired.
I’m tired of trying to be different, do different. I’m tired of blazing my own path. I want to just be safe for a little while. I simply want to be successful for a little while. There have been so few moments in my life where I felt successful like I’m proud of myself.
Maybe that’s on me. Maybe that’s my own upbringing not allowing me to ever feel like enough. Maybe that’s me putting pressure on myself to always be productive. To always be producing. Thinking that simply creating isn’t enough…the creation needs to be monetized to hold value.
I’m tired, and I’m going to rest for a little while.
That doesn’t mean I won’t keep writing. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to take on more coaching clients. It simply means I’m going to do me. Do the things that light me up and see what brings me success.
I had plans to talk about how I’m looking for a job. Something remote, something easy I can do from wherever my little heart decides to venture. Something that brings me joy, helps me pay the bills, while I simply create and see where it all takes me. Something not as physically demanding as the hospitality gigs I currently have. I’m grateful for always having the hospitality industry to fall back on, yet I know it’s not a sustainable long-term career. It’s easy work. It’s the same thing on a different day. I’d like something using my creative, intelligent mind more.
Until I find that, I’m settling again in the Keys. I’ve got a few jobs lined up waiting tables and catering. I’m going to focus on paying off my debt, finding the creations in life that light me up, and call in all the best opportunities I can.
I’m sharing this because I feel called to. Because I can’t possibly be the only one going through tough times. Because for me posting, sharing brings me joy. Even if it’s hard it’s helpful.
Like I’ve promised a thousand other times…I’m going to try and post more on my blog. Talk more about what’s going on in my life to create connection, to help others feel less alone. To maybe feel like while you’re struggling, you aren’t struggling completely alone.
You have so much purpose, you could open up shop on Etsy and feed your creative side and financially supplement your income. I don’t doubt your success at adventuring and I think that’s a part of your ability to help your clients is the experience in solitary thoughts during the adventures of your life. Proud of you keep going!