I realize this is pretty one-sided advice. I realize some couples out there sincerely are High School or College sweethearts. They got it right pretty damn quick in life. Life happened to follow the preverbal timeline society tells us to follow.
See I was brought up in a very mixed message household. I had a strong independent working mother with a higher education and equal pay as my father. That was her idea of success. On the other side, I had a traditional southern father who sincerely believed the key to happiness in life was following the timeline. Following the plan society lays out before each and every one of us. That was his idea of success.
Neither is wrong. They are just different. Both ways of life can make you happy. Neither of them made my parents very happy. I saw their lack of happiness in life. I saw that and swore I would be different. Swore I would live my life on my terms.
In my mind I was. I lived my life according to my own plan. Or so I thought. Little did I know I was doing my best to live out the perfect life’s of both my parents.
Throughout my 20’s I was doing a really damn good job of following in my mother’s foot-steps. That part came relatively easy in the grand scheme of things. I was career driven. I was successful in my career.
I also tried to live my father’s dream throughout my 20’s. I was constant dating, flirting, or entertaining at least one man, if not more than one. I was trying my best to force myself into the proverbial societal timeline that would make me “happy.” I bought the lie that if you find the “one” everything else will just fall into place and somehow, you’ll just be happy. You need to find someone to complete you.
I believed this lie so deeply, I tried for over a decade to be desirable. Every time I’d enter a relationship, typically within 3-6 months there would be a major issue. They would make a comment or figure out something about my character, my behavior, or my past that they disagreed with. Don’t get me wrong here these were not major flaws. I wasn’t a closet alcoholic or addicted to a drug. Sometimes it was something silly from my early 20’s, like making out with a good female friend at a party. Or they would decide I had one too many drinks one too many times, and they “couldn’t take my drinking.” I know this may paint me in a bad light to some, but to be completely honest with you I never had an issue with my behavior. I know I’ve never had a drinking problem. I know the random make outs with good friends were harmless.
They didn’t see the behaviors as harmless. They saw them as problems that needed to be fixed or changed. Once they found out about these behaviors, they wanted to change me. I wanted to change me to suit their needed. Be a little less, be a little softer, be the person they wanted me to be.
I stayed. I changed. I self-abandoned. I abandoned who I was in hopes then I would be what they wanted.
I was quieter.
I drank less.
I condemned my own past behavior.
I smiled more.
I listened to their dreams.
I kept my dreams quiet.
I waited for their call.
I planned everything around them.
I planned everything in the hope to see them.
I should’ve left. I knew it was over. I knew it was over, but I didn’t want to face another “failed” relationship. I was failing at my father’s idea of happiness. I wish I would’ve left. I wish I would’ve left early. I wish I would’ve left often.
In reality I still would’ve left the same amount of relationships. I still would’ve had the same number of notches on my belt. The difference…I would’ve loved myself a little more. I would’ve been truer to myself more. I would’ve had my own damn back more. Instead of abandoning myself every time by staying a little longer than I should’ve, by trying to change myself a little more often than I should’ve.
So, while I say leave early, leave often, I realize this advice is not for everyone. However, it is the right advice for women similar to me. It is the right advice that so many never hear.
Thus, I’m telling you my wild untamed woman, leave early and leave often. Leave at the first sign. Leave at the first gut feeling. There will be others. You will find someone as wild as you.
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